Post-Teen Angst: Just Like That River Twisting Through The Dusty Land

Meph
--or--
``Ten fingers! Ten toes! Ten boogers up your nose!''

Meph is soft.

Hey! It's not every cat that has a whole unit of measurement named after her, so just shaddap, okay? What? You've never heard of the meph? A logarithmic scale for measuring softness? Well, dear Average Reader, allow me to 'splain it to you.

Meph is soft. Not only is she soft, she is the softest. She gets a 1 (or 10 millimephs). Your average sandpaper ranking about 0.001 millimephs, or a cashmere sweater about 9 millimephs. Yes, she's that soft. You still don't believe me? Oh, my skeptical Average Reader. Merely ask anyone and they'll tell you so. (``Anyone'' being the finite set of people who have touched Meph. However, she does get around, so the set of ``anyone'' is rather large.)

Of course, being soft incarnate does have its drawbacks. With this infinite softness, you will always get people wanting to pet you. Now that's fine when it's time for your 4:00 sucky treatment (or your 8:00 sucky treatment, or your 12:00 sucky treatment, or ... ) but there's times that you just don't want people touching you. The solution? Bite 'em. You know you can get away with it because along with being so damn soft you're also so damn cute. So, bite 'em. If that doesn't work, sink the ol' claws in, and bite 'em again. Then put on a ``Oh was that me? Couldn'a been. I'm just soft and cute'' face. Works every time. (Trust me -- I have the scars to prove it.)

And biting folk isn't the only perk being Meph has. You also can have random surges of super-energy which needs to be burned off now! (Well, not totally random. Only when people are trying to sleep, do work, or play Scrabble(TM).) Now, how to burn off this sudden endless supply of pep? Ah, of course. Tear around the house up the curtains down the curtains kill the rubber lobster again up the stairs down the stairs rip rip rip the couch rip rip rip the couch kill the rubber lobster again up the stairs down the stairs up the screen door get stuck look down decide to jump clatter clatter through the kitchen up the stairs down the stairs kill the Scrabble(TM) board (`Damn! I just put ``kwyjibo'' on a triple-word score!') clatter clatter through the kitchen tear around the house kill the rubber lobster one last time rip rip rip the couch rip rip rip the couch rip rip rip the couch up the stairs down the stairs stop suddenly ...

... and take off again up the stairs down the stairs up the screen door jump again clatter clatter through the kitchen kill the rubber lobster and come screeching to a halt at the food dish.

Some people (being a very small set containing but one element that I will call ``Roxanne'') have claimed that Meph has some sort of chemical imbalance which causes this erratic behaviour. To this serious charge, I simply replied, ``Yah. But she's so soft.'' The issue quickly died.

Cat haters love her. Cat lovers erect shrines to her. To touch her is to become one with ``soft''. Am I making my point clear?

So what have we learned today, oh-Average-Reader-o-mi-e-ine? (Don't know how that Axel Rose slipped in there ... Deal widdit.) All together now: ``Meph is soft''.

Ian ``Son of God Complex'' Milligan

© 1996 mathNEWS