Post-Teen Angst: Mind if I Drive?

Sidekicks
-- or --
``Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader...''

---

Y'know, everyone in the world should have a sidekick. Well, actually, not everyone should have a sidekick, otherwise we'd all be busy kicking each other's sides and never get any crime-fighting done. (And that would be a crime in itself!) Let's try this again...

Y'know, everyone in the world should either have a sidekick or be a sidekick.

``Please don't say that I am your sidekick,'' pleads the intrepid Average Reader.

No worries, Average Reader! You are merely a figment of my imagination who is nothing but a composite of the snide remarks that I know the four faithful followers of my follies would fling forth were they sitting with me whilst I wrote.

``Ah. That's... uhm, reassuring?'' proposes Average Reader.

Well, not really. It puts you more in the role of my arch-nemesis. All I really need to do is to mistakenly inflict some horrifying disfigurement upon you, thus setting your bitter resolve to leading a life of evil.

Yes, when the world is in danger from sarcasm and disparaging remarks, the cry goes out both far and near for -- dum dada duuuum! -- Captain Sideburns! (And his sidekick, Caffeine Buzz.) Employing his powers of facial hair growth, he sets out to rid the world of all those who would malevolently mock mere mortals for their meager means.

``Gee, Captain Sideburns! Must you alliterate so?'' queries Caffeine Buzz.

``I'm afraid so, little buddy! It's all part of being a super-hero. One day when you achieve super-status, you too shall see the splendour of stringing similar sounds in successive series!''

``Successive? Or excessive?''

``Are you feeling okay, Caffeine Buzz? You haven't even touched your KAWPHY, Jolt(TM), or those fifteen candy bars in your pocket... Waitaminute! My stubble-sense is tingling. You're not Caffeine Buzz! You're none other than -- dum dum duuuum! -- Average Reader!''

``Aaaaaaghghg! I am discovered! But how? How did you know, Captain Sideburns?''

``Keen observation, aided by excessive facial hair. As always. Take him away, officers!''

``Yeeerrrghghg. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids...''

``It's all in a day's work for... Captain Sideburns!''

So you see? Not only are sidekicks great for being the straight-man who feeds the one-liners back to the hero every time, but they can also be used as plot devices. Now Captain Sideburns will have to wring the location of Caffeine Buzz out of Average Reader, and then swoop in and save him just before Reader's inane, time-delayed death-contraption slays poor Buzz.

Sidekicks are necessary: who would Sam be without Max, or the Tick without Arthur, or C3PO without R2D2, or.... Well, you get the picture. Sidekicks are neat fun.

Ian ``Neil Young Complex'' Milligan

© 1997 mathNEWS