Horrorscopes

For the new century of mathNEWS

Accounting
Whether you are on co-op or in classes, tax season is stressful. Make the best of it by offering to do your friends' taxes on a contingency basis: take any extra refunds you get them.
Your lucky number is 40 T4s in 3 months.

ActSci
Watch out for invaders into the ActSci Club, and repel them by only using the Club office for homework and nerdy insurance debates. On second thought, just continue doing that, and all will be well.
Your lucky number is (insert avg here)% of invaders repelled.

AMath
Given how long mathNEWS has been around, you should be able to calculate the weight of paper which we have produced in 100 terms. If you submit it, along with the cost of printing, I might give you a prize.
Your lucky number is 1 hero cookie.

C&O
Obviously you have not been successful at optimizing your mathNEWS experience, as 100 volumes have gone by and you still haven't found its real meaning. Try harder.
Your lucky number is 553NT331.

Comp Math
Since large-scale problems are your speciality, your new project should be researching how to fix Imprint. When their journalistic integrity doesn't even match that of the National Inquirer, they have a large-scale problem.
Your lucky number is O(n!) runtime.

CS
While you may have been inundated with requests for tech support like SE over the holidays, I can only assume you explained to all how your knowledge is purely theoretical. Unfortunately, that will not work as the solution to a programming assignment.
Your lucky number is left as an exercise for the reader.

Double Degree
This term, make it your goal to pool your student discounts from both Universities. It is a little-known fact that this can automatically put you on the Dean's Honours List.
Your lucky number is a 20% bonus on your average.

MathBus
As a possible future politician, you feel it is your duty to be well-informed about the current political situation. But if your candidate of choice thinks you are too fanatical to work in his office, just shout your views out to everyone in the MC (or write them in mathNEWS). We will appreciate your brilliance.
Your lucky number is 0 volunteer positions for you.

MathPhys
The holidays were not quite as nice as you would have liked, given all the snowball fights you lost. Maybe they would have turned out better if you had spent more time throwing and less time calculating the optimal force and trajectory.
Your lucky number is theta.

MathSci
A new term brings new courses, hopefully as random as ever. If your social life isn't all you had hoped for, try joining every department's club you have ever taken a course from, then make fun of their large, monotonous workloads.
Your lucky number is 7 angry club presidents.

Op. Research
If your recent attempts to help the engineers have been fruitless (due to their propensity to drink), turn your efforts to helping us. Can you tell us how to best organize a 100th volume extravaganza?
Your lucky number is approx. 553 back-issues.

PMath
Although mathNEWS has held no importance to you in the past, statistically, it is due to help you sometime soon. If you keep reading the 100th volume, there may be great things in store for you. Read it as your bible.
Your lucky number is a factor of 5198884567.

SoftEng
Returning to campus is a reprieve for you after a holiday filled with free tech support, given by you. However, you still need to look out for CS100 students who need help turning their computers on.
Your lucky number is 4 faulty hard drives, 3 new LANs, 2 virus scans, and a partridge in a B-Tree.

Stats
Although mathNEWS has held no importance to you in the past, you realize that, statistically, the 100th volume will hold equal importance. Slap PMath for their gullibility.
Your lucky number is and average importance of 0.00001.

Teaching
If you have had any teaching experience yet, you know that you are sometimes attracted to your students. Whatever you do, don't give in to that attraction. And by don't, I mean not unless you can hide it.
Your lucky number is 2 dates in your car, and as many lawsuits.

Undeclared
Don't know who to vote for in the upcoming election? No, didn't think so. Here's a tip: pick the least attractive one. At least he/she doesn't spend too much time thinking about appearances.
Your lucky number is "eeny meeny miny moe!"

AHS
As a relatively young faculty, you may not understand the traditions of august institutions like mathNEWS. So make your own traditions, and hope they also last 30 years. Can slacking in leisure class be one?
Your lucky number is 100 terms to catch up.

Arts
Since you have the most interest in the coming election, feel free to share your political wisdom with us single-minded mathies. Don't have wisdom? Make it up! We are so secluded, we won't know the difference.
Your lucky number is 2500 votes for the K.E.G. Party.

ENG
I must pity you for your lack of real culture. While we have mathNEWS, you have the Rigid Tool: a chunk of metal which imparts no knowledge or humour, and cannot gain anything from you. Don't you think it's time for a Switch?
Your lucky number is 2 forms and you're in!

ES
We all know you are voting for the Green Party, but before you do, think of what they could do to us. I have heard that they plan to outlaw the consumption of meat. What would we do with all the extra geese on campus?
Your lucky number is 50(1+3n) geese in n years.

Sci
Is your research losing momentum? Try some actual proofs instead of 'proof by observation.' Get some AMath students to help you, just don't expect them to understand any real science.
Your lucky number is 10.0m/s2.

Dirty Mathie
(with help from Dirty Softie)