Squeeze

Merry Mathmas

Once upon a time there was a theorem known as Squeeze's Theorem. This theorem wasn't particularly nice at all. In fact, he would pinch functions and force them to converge. He never celebrated Mathmas. However, all of that was going to change on this: Mathmas Eve.

In the early morning, Squeeze awoke and went on his disgruntled way to work. Outside he was stopped by two professors.

"Good morrow, Mr. Squeeze, could you spare us some calculating power?" said one professor. "There are functions out there that do not factor easily."

Squeeze grimmaced. "Are there no calculators? Are there no computers with Maple?" He stormed off. Getting to work he stormed in and yelled at Fermat.

"Fermat!" He bellowed, "why is there a lambda greater than zero in the function? That costs us money, jackass."

"Right, Mr. Squeeze. Do you think I could get tomorrow off to spend time with my Little Theorem?"

Mr. Squeeze glowered at Fermat.

"But it's Mathmas, sir!" Mr. Squeeze humbugged and continued being a jerk for the rest of the day.

At night, Squeeze was stuck between his bedsheets and his mattress, when the ghost of Heine-Borel came to him.

"Squeeze! Squeeze! You will be visited by three Theorems because you are a bastard. They will teach you the true meaning of Mathmas. Or something else lame. I forget."

Squeeze threw his pillow at the ghost of Heine-Borel and pinched him against the wall.

Later that night, Squeeze's restful sleep was disturbed by the sounds of partying. He arose from his bed and before him was a stranger.

"I am the Fundamental Theorem of Differential Calculus", bellowed the spectre. "Let me show you the error approximation of your ways!"

"There is no error approximation for me."

"Shut up, it's a turn of phrase."

The Theorem showed Squeeze a vision of a bar where everyone was drinking and being jovial in several distinct ways.

"Look at this, Squeeze! Remember this time, a time when calculus was simple? When all functions had a simple derivative, and graphing calculators did the work for you?"

"Why are you showing me this?", Squeeze questioned the mighty theorem.

"I'm a jerk. That and I want you to wallow in the past. Makes you more miserable."

With that, the vision disappeared and then Squeeze woke up in cold sweat.

"It was just a dream," he assured himself. "Or quite possibly an alcohol-induced hallucination. Not too sure yet."

At that, Squeeze fell asleep. This time he awoke to the sound of someone rummaging through his liquor cabinet. "Who the hell are you now?"

"Rolle's Theorem." He burst into tears. The theorem downed some liquor and beckoned Squeeze to follow him. He lead him to two functions, neither of which had explicit derivatives.

"Look at these two, but be careful. Neither of them have explicit derivatives."

"What exactly does this have to do with Rolle's Theorem?"

"Are there no calculators? Are there no computers with Maple?"

"You aren't listening to me, are you?"

"NO!" Rolle's theorem spontaneously disappeared. Squeeze awoke again. Irritated.

Then the sound of people crying was heard. Squeeze got out of bed and approached the stranger in his room.

"I am the Fundamental Theorem of Integral Calculus!" Squeeze punched the theorem out, and went back to sleep.

The next morning came and Squeeze awoke excited. He threw open his shutter and asked a stray orphan what day it was.

"Why, it's Mathmas Day, sir!"

"Here!"

"What is it?"

"It's an upperbound."

"What for?"

"I'm crushing you into the pavement by making it approach zero."

And with that Squeeze continued to be a jerk to everyone for many years to come. And that is the true meaning of Mathmas. Probably.

Angelo