Horrorscopes

It's like your regular horrorscopes, only scarier

ACC: Now that tax season is over, rejoice at the lack of 100 hour work weeks. You finally have time to spend all the extra monies you made in overtime last co-op term.
Your lucky number is 8 more months 'til next tax season.

ACTSCI: It seems that a bunch of STATS are going to be visiting you in the future, asking about life insurance. Sign them up, but read their horrorscope; sneak in some terms preventing any pay-outs in the event of their death. Remember to rob them blind with their premiums — quickly!
Your lucky number is money from other people's misery, and rejoicing for all.

AMATH: I took Calc 4, and failed it. Unfortunately for those taking it, I foresee that the same fate will befall you.
Your lucky number is suddenly not so lucky.

BBA/BMath: As the fourth year students remain or return to campus to resume their studies in their 4B term, I foresee much anger as they realize all their friends in other programs have graduated by now.
Your lucky number is a road trip you can't go on.

C&O: You now have a whole new term of learning to count ahead of you. Begin by enumerating the sum of the number of elements of all subsets of days in the term.
Your lucky number is 5 combinatorial proofs of how little you care.

CS If you happen to be taking CS 246 this term then look forward to long last-minute coding sessions. Not because you're procrastinating, but because the requirements seem to change every few days.
Your lucky number is an undetermined number of all-nighters throughout the term.

Math/Bus: Watch your back, because those 4th year Double Degree students are going to take out their rage on you.
Your lucky number calls your new bodyguard.

OR: I wish you a good term of optimizing the Hell out of everything and anything.
Your lucky number is a good trip to Hell and back.

PMATH: You may expect greatly increasing interest in your chosen field of study. When this happens you may hail me as prophet and leader. Since it is unlikely that this will happen in your lifetime pass these pearls of wisdom to following generations of PMATH majors.
Your lucky number is 5 commandments to be completed once my prediction comes true.

SE: cat CS ENG >SE
Your lucky number is kill -9

STAT: Though I hate to be the bearer of bad news: you shall all perish in the coming term. While as individuals you may be missed, the lack of STAT 230 and 231 shall be the source of much rejoicing.
Your lucky number is 100% probability of rejoicing 2nd year math students.

UNDECLARED: There is suddenly going to be a scarcity of students in STATs this term so the time may soon be ripe declare a STATs major. After all, the university will be desperate to fill up the program.
Your lucky number is 1 empty major in need of filling.

AHS: I foresee that you will wake up and find yourself in Australia randomly, for no reason whatsoever.
Your lucky number is didgeridoo.

ARTS: Well, another easy term is under way. It's too bad you're not actually learning anything you'll make money with.
Your lucky number is $420 earned last term.

ENG: Welcome back to campus. Unfortunately, you missed SCUNT last term — you probably would've liked it. At least, we did.
Your lucky number is not 42.

ES: It seems that the water level monitoring station on Laurel Creek has malfunctioned, poisoning Waterloo's water supply, and you're the only people that know about it. Your task, should you wish to accept it, is to let the rest of us know.
Your lucky number is not a STATs student.

SCI: As one of your experiments involving H₂O goes awry, you find out that the problem came from using ordinary tap water. Shame on you for making such a simple mistake, and switch to distilled water for the rest of term. Impress the ES students as they think you managed to find out about the water supply problems.
Your lucky number is a tree-hugger on your leg.

Richard Mandelzys & Matthew "Woolly Logic" Woolman