Horrorscopes

Your parents should wash your eyes out with soap for this...

ACC

An old crush is going to start being a bastard. Make sure you get your belongs back before you start burning your bridges. Sorry, I meant to say "his britches". That ought to show the fucktard.

Your lucky number is 2 chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

ACTSCI

Most people learn to crawl then walk, but you can feel the pressure of midterms making you start to waddle. Be careful about sitting down too soon. No company will insure you for exposure to 'Old Rusty'.

Your lucky number is 3 simultaneous hernia operations.

AMATH

Captain Planet is in Virgo, which means that your day will become more exciting after lunch when a sword fight breaks out and an explosion chases you down a hallway. Remember: chicks dig scars.

Your lucky number is 9 ladies swooning and a sword fight in the MC.

BBA/BMATH

Today is your day to shine and you're feeling McNabbulous! Don't quibble over what that means, just smile, nod and laugh! It's a great skill to have and will prepare you for some great, brown lipstick.

Your lucky number is 22 muscles needed to kiss ass.

C&O

Your Horrorscope will not make any sense this fortnight and you begin to wonder if you did something to deserve this. Well, if you don't know or lack the mystical foresight to figure it out, then I'm not telling you.

Your lucky number is 14 nights until a better Horrorscope.

CM

A noticeable shift in the lunar cycle will send you flying off of the planet when the moon knocks you off in a diabolical game of billiards.

Your lucky number is 1 human in the corner pocket dimension.

CS

Take your date out for a night that they'll never forget and then leave them there. Find someone better and less emotional. Have wicked sex for the next three weeks. Nonstop.

Your lucky number is 504 hours well spent.

MATH/BUS

Everything that you need to know will be given to you by a computer. Unless it's for a midterm, then expect to get viciously... you get the idea. Be confused as the professor blames the TA's.

Your lucky number is four TA's not at fault.

MATHEMATICAL SCIENCES

Your friends are trying to subtly tell you something important, but you're ignoring the signs. Screaming for help and running around on fire isn't normally a cry for attention.

Your lucky number is 2 friends not on fire.

OR

The moon is inline to fire a deadly laser out at your forehead. You can protect yourself with a powerful cold beverage that will shoot out a spectacle of counter-lasers. And confuse the hell out of everyone watching.

Your lucky number is one rave party in a bottle.

PMATH

Friends will appear in the most unlikely of places. Like in the trunk of your car, buried in your yard and spread all over your house! You will be surprised when you find out who the killer is, but a little confused as to how they managed to pull it off.

Your lucky number is 5 evil goldfish.

SE

Opportunity will appear in the form of a dopplegänger. You will either fight each other to the death or form an alliance that will improve your productivity. Do you need to source your dopplegänger for assignments?

Your lucky number is twice as much plagiarism.

STAT

Your frustration with the artsies in the SLC giving you surveys, trying to trick you by using fake statistics is at its peak. Take some time to explain to them why they are wrong and why you are better than them. You know that won't fly in the MC.

Your lucky number is 17 sampling errors caused by you.

UNDECLARED

The announcement of a new Diablo leaves you both nostalgic for the old games and excited for the new game. Until you realize that the first thing you do in the game is pick a class.

Your lucky number is 10 potential choices.

AHS

You can see demons and they all want to talk to you. Their manner of speech is disjointed and incomprehensible so naturally you get along great. Catch up on old times and reminisce about the Paleozoic era.

Your lucky number is 130 demon types more evolved than you.

ARTS

If you are feeling lost in life, then you should return to what you know and work your way up from there. Start off with the backseat of a car, then possibly a kegger. You'll eventually make your way back to your calm place.

Your lucky number is 13 toilet seats of zen.

ENG

Your superiority complex is unmatched by your desire to erect buildings all over campus. You cry yourself to sleep at night knowing that Math has only one building and it works just fine.

Your lucky number is Engineering 19.3 — Quantum Shoelace Electrical Engineering Shack.

E

This Horrorscope is brought to you by the letter 'Q' which reflects your decision to change your faculty name. You should know that the length of your name equals your value as a person.

Your lucky number is a measly one.

SCI

A virus has infected cyberspace and your androgynous avatar is the only one who can stop it! Randomly select chips to give him strength and laugh when he gets stuck with a terrible move set.

Your lucky number is 20X6.

OTHER

A giant purple tentacle will force its way into your back, making your world seem wonderful and peaceful. That is, until you realize that its also mating with your body. You should get checked.

Your lucky number is 5 days of medical tests.

The Hee Ho—ly Shit!
How much of this issue am I writing, AngelED?