Ask the Panda

Not-actually-certified life advice

It's been a long time since this panda has written anything for mathNEWS, but he blames it on the difficulty that is life in a different city, and what is supposedly a job. With so little time to cook, mathCook s is going on hiatus until he starts making food again. (To the one person out there who actually cares: Don't cry, talk to me instead!) Instead, Dr. Panda is going to offer your life advice. What kind of advice? Pretty much anything you can think of. I can't guarantee my answers will be the bes t you can get, but I will guarantee that they are the best I can give. That bei ng said, here's the first batch:

My parents have been nagging me over what I'm not interested in. I tried my best to tell them that I don't appreciate them telling me what I should and shouldn't do, but they don't listen. What should I do?
-concerned child

The woes of being caught in between being your parent's child and yo ur own (wo)man. I can't say from experience since I am not a parent myself (Though, does being a much older brother count?), but your parents nag your because they care about you. In most cases, they want you to grow up without making the same mistakes they did at your age. (Most of us will anyway) This is especially difficult if you are of immigrant culture, as your parents may simply just "not understand" your plight. No matter what the reason, though, the nagging will only really stop if your parents are able to see you as being mature enough for them to no longer have to worry about you. (or, for you to make your own mistakes) That means, and is not limited to, you're going to want to respond to your parents like adults. No screaming at them when they nag. If you live with them, help out around the house. Show them through your actions that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. And if you so wish, sit them down and calmly explain that to them. Then take a breather, because you'd want to hear their side as well, why they nag you and such. There is no way you can get out of the nagging successfully until you've at least heard their reasons for doing so. (And I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that it's one of the ones I outlined) Acknowledge their reasons, share yours and perhaps come to an understanding that you are an independent adult, and you do want to try your own paths and take the growing pains with it. They'll understand.

How do I get the very good-looking oblivious guy to make a move and show me that he is actually interested?
-some girl

See, here's what I don't get in this social paradigm of dating. Why is it the onus is always on the guy to express his interest, even if the feeling is mutual? (I'm not assuming it is, I'm just generalizing) As the Globe's columnist Russel Smith notes, there is no bad way to ask a guy out. In fact, I think it's stupid that a guy's supposed to be the one doing the asking, especially if the girl's interested. If the fool is too oblivious (or uncertain if he should ask), by all means make the first move. Perhaps that kind of guy needs a girl to play alpha to his beta. You go, girl!

"How do you get over someone who is gone forever?"
– In mourning

That really depends, doesn't it? Depending on how close you were to the person, I'd estimate the time taken to be anywhere from a week to never. The initial shock of losing someone is truly a depressing moment, and you have my condolences. That said, the best way that I have found of getting over the past is just that, recognize that it is in the past. It'll take time, but try to distract yourself by partaking in activities that you enjoy(ed) so you won't wallow in your own tears as often. That's not to say crying is counterproductive: I still believe that you should let it all go at some point, either privately or with someone you feel comfortable with. However, once you're all cried out, pick yourself up and move on. Think about it this way: Whoever it is would not want you to be miserable because of him(her). While their passing probably has shaken your foundations and made you recognize the mortality of living, you also need to realize that you are still living, so do just that. Live! Make the most of the rest of your life. Honour their memories, their lessons and their lives lived, but don't let it drag you into the mud. It's all a mentality issue.

My boyfriend and I have been becoming distant from each other. I feel that he's losing interest in me, and I'm not sure what I should do. I still like him very much, so its really hard for me to actually break up with him. What should I do?
-confused girlfriend

I think first and foremost, I must insert the disclaimer that I am in fact not an expert on relationships. It's not to say that I'm a stranger to them, but just remember any advice dispensed is just one Panda's take on the world. That being said, you have a few questions you have to sort out for yourself in this pickle. Firstly, do you actually like your boyfriend? It's a serious question. There is a distinct difference in liking your boyfriend as who he is, versus liking the idea of being in a relationship with him, versus liking the idea of being in a relationship, period. Make sure you can dissociate the three before proceeding. Next, why are you becoming distant? Work? School? Just general disinterest? It's unavoidable that interests will wane over time, but what matters is whether or not the parties are willing to rekindle that interest or just call it quits. Find out. Talk to him about it. Communication is key, after all. If he confirms or avoids your questions, then take that as a sign as it's over. End it and move on, it's no use pining for someone like that. Plenty of other bamboo shoots in the forest, so my mother used to say*. On the other hand, if the guy was truly oblivious to what he was doing to you, talking will wake him up. Win-win situation!

If you have any questions or just want to rant or a different view on things, somehow magically get your concerns to me and I'll try to answe r them to the best of my abilities. This not cooking thing is kinda neat, actually.

*Mother never actually said that

Dr. Panda