The Mathematics of Zombie Survival

Because They Might Be

Because the zombie attack could happen at any time, it is best to be prepared. Many mathies believe they are missing essential zombie survival skills, but a mathie is a perfect addition to any zombie surviving team. Many problems can be solved using advanced mathematical techniques, and zombie fighting is no different.

The essential zombie problem is where and when the zombies will attack. Luckily for our computer science student, zombies work very simply. So simply in fact, their movement should be predictable and programmable. Using this knowledge, we can use the classic two dimensional automaton, Conway's Game of Life, except this will be Tbor's Game of Death. Based on the boundaries of land mass, and the initial locations of the zombie attacks, we can calculate an approximate location of the zombies at any given time. Then we can concieve how many generations of zombies will pass before the zombies reach Waterloo. Once the generation length of a zombie is calculated, we can calculate the length of time we have to stock up on supplies and ammunition. Without this knowledge, we could be caught unaware by zombies, the worst possible scenario.

The next problem that occurs is the initial attack of the zombies. If initial defenses are not deployed in time, the zombies will have an advantage. Luckily, zombie speeds will be constant, as either they are super-fast or super-slow. With a constant speed, the location of a zombie in a room will be easily calculated. The zombie location after time t will be in the graph of x² + y² = (tv)² where v is the velocity of the zombie. There may be many ways to tackle this circular nightmare, landmines being the best option, but trip wires, are also effective.

A classic usage of mathematics in survival situations is that of rationing. As there is only a certain supply of food and ammunition, and it is constantly decreasing over time. Unfortunately, there are multiple factors at play, not just time. One factor is that people slowly die off. Once again, mathematics is useful. If you are including an actuary on the team, you can confidently say which people are risky, and control their risky behaviour through managing rations to them. Once the teams risk of dying has been taken into account, we have an inversely exponential function. Another factor in rationing is the spoiling of the food, an inversely exponential function. Lastly, there is the noise factor of human visitors bringing and taking food. Therefore, the final function of food will instead of being linear, be inversely exponential summed with a wave function. What artsie is going to bother calculating that?

As you can see, a team of mathies is useful for any zombie survival scenario. Given access to the UNIX labs, a pile of past mathNEWS survival tips, and Imprint to start a fire, I'm confident the MC will be an impenetrable fortress of calculations. Just remember, save room for the engineers, as their flight from E5 will bring much alcohol, and MacGyver weapons to the armies of math.

Tbor