Horrorscopes

Sexy fun times

ACCOUNTING: The IPO market for for venture-backed companies has gone south in the last couple years. You decide to take the Sarbanes Oxley rules out back and shoot them so that you can fudge some numbers and make yourself millions. You shoot yourself in the foot, develop gangrene and die.

Your lucky number: The Big Four.

ACTSCI: You are given an assignment to find out the appropriate life insurance rate for an obese chain smoker with a penchant for confrontation. While pondering the problem you meet a tall, dark stranger who steals your hat. You decide that the cancerous fatty should be charged provincial sales tax.

Your lucky number: 8%.

AHS: You apply your health science to discover why I feel sick every time I eat pizza lately. You wonder vaguely if that's too much information to be in mathNEWS but at least there's nothing actually gross involved. Anyways, you suck at applying health science and I die from food poisoning. My parents sue you.

Your lucky number: $2 million settlement.

AMATH: You get into an argument with a pure math student about whose discipline is greater. You claim that applied maths serve the greater good, but the pure math student tells you that you and your math are ugly. You apply a choice axiom to his argument and reduce it to shreds. You win.

Your lucky number: 1 positive horrorscope. Finally.

ARTS: Look, there's really no point in reading your horrorscope this week. You have midterms and will therefore be getting so drunk you won't remember anything I say. I'm was just going to say that you're poor and living in a box, anyways. Which you are.

Your lucky number: 60% average.

BBA/BMATH: OK seriously guys, I just checked and the BBA/BMATH double degree is under MATHBUS. So you wake up and realize that you're not special just because you have your own horrorscope. In fact, you feel like nothing makes you important or unique. You work your butt off for a double degree just so you can be in business where people hate you. You feel unfulfilled.

Your lucky number: 3% of customers satisfied.

C&O: You decide to optimize yourself and give up drinking, fatty foods, and being a loser. Suddenly, women are attracted to you and you no longer have time for elegant graph theory proofs. You fail out and join the Hair Club for Men.

Your lucky number: k.

CS: You decide to take an Advanced Topics course, Machine Learning. You come to appreciate boolean functions for their ability to double as sets, and decide to only use boolean functions in the future. Your ability to see shades of grey disappears and you become a Canadian Rush Limbaugh.

Your lucky number: 489.

ENG: If you are not in Systems Design, you are jealous of the SYDEs for having such awesome upper-year courses. If you are in SYDE, you laugh at all the other engineers. If you are not in SYDE, you become angry and kill all the SYDEs. If you are in SYDE, you die.

Your lucky number: 90 new SYDEs per year.

ES: You fly to the Gulf of Mexico to battle El Niño. Your environmental science is overwhelmed by the phenomena, which has the help of Global Warming. Fortunately, Nuclear Winter shows up and eliminates Global Warming. It's unfortunate for the kangaroos, though.

Your lucky number: 2600 more than anybody else.

MATHBUS: You take courses at Laurier and realize that this basically makes you an Arts student. You work hard to be a good businessperson so that you won't have to be poor and live in a box, but some scumbag at your employer defrauds the shareholders and you end up circling the drain.

Your lucky number: 42.

MATHSCI: You become an Undergrad Research Assistant and present a paper on the science of mathematics versus the mathematics of science. The professor you work for sells you into slavery for being such a moron, and you spend your life doing menial labour.

Your lucky number: 1 meal per day.

PMATH: After much searching, you discover an untainted area of mathematics: automorphic forms. Unfortunately, you have no idea what an eigenfunction of Casimir operators is. You struggle in vain to understand and eventually return to disgusting, impure math.

Your lucky number: L².

SCI: When you were growing up, you always dreamt of being a Scientist. Yes, with a capital "S". After a couple of lab assistant jobs, you realize that it's not as glamorous as you imagined. In spare moments, you create a toxin to kill everyone who has disappointed you. Unfortunately, the antidote is vitamin C and no one you know has scurvy.

Your lucky number: 0.

SOFTENG: Against all odds, you managed to get into CS 240 so your ATEs won't be limited. Halfway through the term, you realize that you didn't want to take any algorithms courses anyways and fail the midterm. Your "friends" in SE 240 laugh at you.

Your lucky number: O(n^log_ba).

STAT: You decide to calculate the probability that Ahmadinejad actually won the election, but realize halfway through that you are a horrible person and don't care about whether justice was done. You can't live with yourself anymore, so you kick yourself out of your apartment.

Your lucky number: 11 million.

UNDECLARED: You decide that you need to start making decisions. "That's a good first step," you think, and decide to celebrate. On the way to the bar, you realize you've made another decision. Overjoyed, you drink yourself into a coma.

Your lucky number: 99 bottles of beer.

inXSE
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