Horrorscopes

Because the scoping of horrors cannot wait until after Halloween

ACCOUNTING: Halloween appears completely unprofitable. Costumes, candy for trick-or-treaters, and buying a pumpkin, simply to cut it open? You spend your October 31^st making money by selling candy to trick or treaters.

Your Lucky Number: $5 per Treat.

ACTSCI: When the dead arise again this Halloween, your entire value of life disappears. Insurance rates die, and so does your profession.

Your Lucky Number: 6 cents for a kidney.

AHS: This Halloween, after your classes on the circulatory system, you decide to test how low your heart rate can go. When it turns to 0, either you die, or you get killed by zombie-hating hordes.

Your Lucky Number: 1% chance of survival the first time.

AMATH: You apply your math to create a paper mache version of an icosahedron costume for Halloween. Unfortunately, you get mugged by a roving band of DnD nerds. You didn't apply the math to remember to bring clothes underneath.

Your Lucky Number: 20 blocks of streaking.

ARTS: You unoriginally decide to reuse your costume from Oktoberfest for Halloween. This works out fine for most of the night, until you stumble across a group of drunken engineers dressed up as the Inglourious Basterds.

Your Lucky Number: 1 Dead Nazi.

BBA/BMATH/MATHBUS: This Halloween, you go as the dying economy coming back to life. Unfortunately, you spend all your savings on an elaborate costume to impress your friends and nobody gets it. You're broke and have no friends, but the rest of your classmates are rolling in the dough.

Your Lucky Number: $1563.42 for a forced laugh.

C&O: You calculate the optimal path in tricking and treating. Unfortunately, your optimisation leads you deep into the other side of Kitchener. You have a sugar crash and pass out just in sight of Fairview Mall. Small children raid your passed out body for candy.

Your Lucky Number: 45 Kit Kats, 300 Smarties, and 1 giant hangover.

CS: For Halloween you decide to search online for your Halloween costume. Unfortunately, you forgot to turn Google Safe Search off. You don't arise from your room until November 1^st.

Your Lucky Number: 72

ENG: You and your gang dress up as Inglourious Basterds. Witty and ingenious, but when drunk at 2 in the morning, you realise scalping a German takes a lot longer than in the movie. You get caught by the cops after 2 hours of trying.

Your Lucky Number: 1 thick skulled artsy

ENV: In an attempt to save the orange gourds, you chain yourself to a pumpkin patch. You manage to freak out enough people on Halloween, but you forgot one fatal flaw with your idea. Linus was right. But the Great Pumpkin isn't as loving as once thought.

Your Lucky Number: 3 seeds through the skull.

MATHSCI: You decide to go as Spongebob to your first Halloween party. Unfortunately you get too into it, and go find a squirrel to bring to the party.

Your Lucky Number: 4 rabies infections.

PMATH: In an attempt to get a lower Erdos number, you go trick or treating, but instead of asking for candy, you write a paper with the person who opened the door. This works well until the Erdos rolling over in his grave turns him into a zombie.

Your Lucky Number: 5. Your Zombie Erdos Infection Number.

SCI: You find out Stephen Hawking is coming to Waterloo and almost pee yourself. Unfortunately, when he disproves the existence of time, you come back in time, rewrite this article to inform everyone of the problems with time and space.

Your Lucky Number: Just so you know, infinity isn't a number.

SOFTENG: Once again you decide to go both ways, and dress up as a pirate ninja. Unfortunately, the ninjas can easily point you out as a pirate, and the pirates just think you look weird.

Your Lucky Number: 4 shurikens and a hook through the back.

STAT: You calculate the probability that both vampires and werewolves exist. You decide it is next to impossible. Unfortunately, Twilight fans try to prove you wrong. While none of them are either vampires or werewolves, human teeth aren't that weak.

Your Lucky Number: 132 bite marks in the abdomen.

UNDECLARED: Hopefully, because you are undeclared, mathNEWS will choose your fate. Go as a mummy, but instead of normal wrappings, use Imprint.

Your Lucky Number: Only 13 copies to cover your body.

Tbor