Gifting for the Other Half

Your guide to finding the perfect gift for that "friend"

The holidays are quickly upon us and shoppers are scrambling to get their lists in so they can work on finding the gifts to give to their family and friends. If you're like me, you probably have no idea what to get until the last minute. Today I'm going to give you gift suggestions for the person most difficult to get a gift for: The significant other. Whether or not they know that they are your significant other is irrelevant, we all know the pains of getting a gift for that purpose. My ideas are 100% legit and 20% better than the leading brand of suggestions! I've sorted it by their field of study. For the sake of not having to type him/her all the time, I will assume your significant other is an object and use the proper tagging of "it"

Act Sci: Crunching numbers about death is fun! Buy some life insurance to make it extra meaningful. That way, if you accidentally get offed, your partner can benefit from that extra bling in the stocking!

Applied Math: Applying all that math it learns is a pretty difficult job, so definitely don't get anything that may require math. Instead, get it something that doesn't require the user to think. For example, get it the DVD for the first Twilight movie. It's great for forcing mindlessness!

C & O: You can impress your partner with your optimization skills by getting the most out of the gift! Instead of buying fancy jewelry or mementos, buy a wrench! Then it can appreciate the heart AND use it to fix things. Other useful suggestions include toothbrush (Think of me when you brush!) or condoms (think of me when you are in me?).

Computer Science: If your partner took one of the big three this past term, they're probably too tired to spend time with you anyway, so no need for a gift! Unfortunately, if they didn't, you can remind them of what they missed with a shiny new electric train set!

Computational Math: All that computing is really putting a toll on your partner, so to let it de-stress you should get it one thing it's already doing but doesn't have: A whip!

Math/Business: Business people are already going to be rich, so you want to get out of the high cost mentality. Get it something simple, yet heartfelt. For example, a picture of a million dollars! Or, if you want to get away from money completely, get it a rock! You can then make it into a pun, a simple heartfelt pun!

Mathematical Physics: Physicists are amused by the easiest of things, especially bouncing balls. Why not ignite their passion by buying them a bag of superballs? They bounce like crazy and they're fun for hours.

Operations Research: Really, what are they researching? Certainly not good Christmas gift ideas, like me! What you really want to get them is a spy kit! Something like... Magnifying glasses and a detective hat, to help them research with more awesome attire!

Pure Math: Don't be silly, no one wants to date a Pure mathie. Of course, if you really wanted to buy yourself something and pretend it's from someone else, make it a box of chocolates: impersonal but delicious.

Statistics: You don't need to get them a gift at all! If they ask, just tell them there was a 99.6% chance they'd get a fantastic gift but they didn't beat the odds. If you really wanted to buy them something instead for the same reason, buy them Lotto MAX tickets. You bought something, they get nothing. Yay!

Math Teaching Option: Turn the tables on the lecturer by giving it a stern lecture about cleaning up around the house (You call it nagging, I call it negative reinforcement) I hear role-playing is particularly hot, so maybe a yardstick and a table...

Mathematical Sciences/Studies: Your partner has a lot of freedom to take what it wants, so you should make it even freer! A gift of money to buy whatever it wants is a perfect gift for the free-spirit, in my opinion.

Software Engineering: Softies are weird, I don't know why you're dating one. I hear they're unhygienic too, so get them a whackload of hand sanitizers to keep those bacteria far away!

Applied Health Sciences: You can show them how much they mean to you by getting them a stethoscope because they can listen to your heart. Or, even better, when making a huge decision, they can literally listen to their heart to make the right decision.

Arts: Arts eh? Prepare your partner for its future career by getting them a set of equipment! I'm thinking a spatula, a toy cash register and a hat from McDonald's!

Engineering: Since your significant other is in Engineering, your best bet is something alcoholic, so surprise it with a 6-pack of ale from the local breweries!

Environment: Demonstrate to your partner that you care about the environment by saving on clothing costs when at home! All you have to do is stop wearing clothing when at home (particularly when your partner is with you). Problem solved!

Science: In science, the pursuit of discovery is just as exciting as the end, so excite your partner with a treasure hunt all around the house (or school) until they stumble upon their gift. Something like... a pencil. Convince them it's an alchemist's lead pencil and it'll turn into gold eventually and they will love you more!

Other: When all else fails, get the generic gift that never fails to please! A pair of black socks will brighten up everyone's day.

Remember! Christmas is a season of giving! Get your partner the best possible gift for a very memorable Christmas! Except for you, pure mathie!

Santa Panda