Welcome, welcome, one and all!
This is the revamped dating advice column, created by a date-less loser for date-less losers. Here we answer all of your relationship questions in a timely and proficient manner. Got dating questions? Want my advice? Drop your queries in the BLACK BOX. Anonimity guarateed!
Question: Dear dating advice guy, I'm on co-op right now but my girlfriend is still in Waterloo. What do I do?
Dating Expert's Advice: You have a girlfriend?!?! Lucky you! I'm so jealous. But anyway, here's what you do: send her emails every day, call her until the minutes on your cellphone run out, buy her flowers online, and generally strangle her with long-distance love. That way, when she cheats on you with a hotter and more conveniently located guy on campus, you can totally rub her nose in your efforts at the relationship and make her feel so guilty she takes you back! It's guaranteed to work!
Question: Hey man, I just wanted to say I think your column is amazing. Here's my question: how can I attract girls without too much effort?
Dating Expert's Advice: From what it sounds like to me, currently you're a totally unattractive person. Don't feel bad, 95% of the Math Faculty are in the same position as you. However, there's a solution! And it doesn't even require much effort! Buy a huge magnet and staple scrap metals to whichever girl sparks your interest. No, seriously, just shower more often, practice better eye contact, and hope for the best. If nothing happens, just give up.
That's it for now! Don't forget to send in your questions, and until next time, maintain healthy relationships, practice safe sex, and spread the love (not necessarily in that order, if you know what I mean).
The Date-less Dating Advice Guy