Confessions of an Actuary

Spoiler: You all die

Hi everyone. I'm an actuary. Most people in the math faculty will at least kind of know what that means. For everyone else, an actuary is basically a statistician who specializes in statistics based on when people die for the application of insurance policies. Or for those that follow right wing media, I am the communist nazi regime that is attempting to take away your liberties and freedoms.
And now a list:

1. Actuarial life tables are extremly useful for many reasons. We can find out (on average) when you or anyone you know would die. Figure out how to read them and this makes a very fun party trick... if a little morbid.
2. Very rarely do we put faces or names onto our policies. It's always policy numbers and limited information. I assume doctors do the same thing. However, it should be noted that we still profile these people... in some ways that may or may not be ethical.
3. We're essentially necromatic combinatorics majors... we count dead people.
4. If there is a hell, then I'm definitely going to end up there. Particularly after uttering the phrase "I don't get it. Why are so many 35 year old women just dropping dead?"
5. All of our documentation confuses people to no end. Because whenever actuaries talk about losing money it is because we had to pay it out to people. Yes we complain about having to give our clients money... it's true. Our favourite word is "lapse" because it means that you surrender your policy but still pay the insurance company some money. Yes, we are that evil.
6. It still confuses me how a company can exist that says its main job is to provide its customers with security and protection while also trying to make a profit for their shareholders... generally speaking meeting one of those goals make you absolutley fail at the other one... just saying.

Thats all I got for now, enjoy.

The Actuary