Diurnal Antisomnambulary Syndrome

A resurfacing epidemic

Every morning, with the alarm clock ringing sucking away all semblance of rest of the waning night you jolt awake, groggy as if drunk - even though chances are that you were last night. You stagger and stumble to the washroom and take a shower before you crash with a cup of coffee; these are only the initial symptoms of the dreaded 8:30 class.

This disease is seasonal, with many new people affected by it every mid-September with smaller spikes in the epidemiology of the disease in January and May. It affects millions of people worldwide in a year, with the majority of the people being technically affiliated with it for a duration of four months; while the symptoms may subside slightly during the course of the disease, it still resides, dormant, in those affected.

Prevention is imperative since hundreds of people in UW potentially affiliated with this syndrome. The best preventive measure against this syndrome is to avoid any engagements and obligations before 10:00 and lie in the soft fluffy paradise which is standard in all bedrooms for the duration stated. There is no need to avoid people who are known to have the syndrome because there exists no scientific evidence that the syndrome is in any way contagious. Electrotherapists recommend a low-voltage shock during morning showers to bolster immune responses to stave off the syndrome.

If you are worried that you have already fallen into the clutches of this syndrome, there are a certain number of measures which you can take. The traditional OTC drug which is available to all people with the syndrome is caffeine, usually prepared by imbuing ground beans from the Coffea arabica plant in scalding water for a certain amount of time. Usually, the liquid medication is split onto the lap of the person trying to drink it, relieving all symptoms of the syndrome for the day. If, for some reason you wish not to go with the traditional remedy, thalassotherapists suggest walking to the sea and putting your head under the seawater for five minutes per day for a week and our most esteemed chromotherepists suggest painting your room with glow-in-the-dark silver paint to balance the colour confusions raging in your body.

If, after everything the symptoms of grouchiness, chronic tiredness and sleep deprivation do not subside, especially after four months after first contraction, please consult your physician, psychologist, therapist, spiritual adviser, lawyer, professor, legal guardian, dungeon master, mathNEWS editor, pasta-loving plumber, Shinigami, voice in your head, alien, and insane psychotic killer for more advice. mathNEWS does not endorse any remedies listed in the article; use at your own risk.

Zethar