It was the best of times, it was the worst of times when the frosh came to town. Their endless array of questions were tiresome to one and all. Especially the parents who were asking them. The frosh leaders and other volunteers answered them to the best of their ability and almost everyone was left with the feeling that something fundamental was misunderstood.
This, naturally, is where you come in gentle mathNEWS reader. Only you can stop the "horrors" I'm about to describe, the wanton "terrors" and "injustices" about to be "confessed", the "plausible" "noncommittal" "debris" of "evil" "about" to be scattered by the explosion of the grenade "of" truth that is about to be lobbed into your mind. Or you could already be tired of my endlessly adjective run on sentences. Only you may judge.
Now where was I? Ah yes...
You find yourself by a mailbox. To the North there's a joke that's been over done. You're already there. Look down, look up! It's two tickets to that X-rated hypnotist that never comes around any more. Look again: The tickets are now popcorn from the MathSoc popcorn machine. Anything is possible since you're still reading this article and not Imprint. I'm in a column!
The point of you coming to this institute of higher learning is not to have as much sex as possible, to expand your boundaries, to please your parents, to get away from your parents, to meet people, to learn or to have fun. Despite what the shiny brochure said when you applied. It's all those things bundled into one. What you do (or have done, (or will haven done for the time travellers among you)) is entirely up to you.
This article is a trial. Nay! An experiment! Has it injected a little strange into your reality? If not, you're an interesting person and we should totally meet up for drinks in classy hats sometime. If so, take yourself and stretch! First your shoulders, then your arms, now your fingers.... stretch those pinkies! Now for the hard part: stretch your mind. You'll feel better after, though it might be sore for a little while. Take a class you are interested in but is hard. Learn a new language. Make friends with an artsie! The daring among you can make friends with engineers. Is that dating me? Are mathies and engineers friends now? I may never know.
Hey where are you going! I haven't gotten to the point of this story! You see there's this space. and it's inside. I'm stuck here. I was hoping you'd know where the exit is since you just got here? Do you? It's four years that-a-way you say? Well. Let's get moving then.
The Unnatural Historian