Hello, and welcome to our final edition of Orange News for the Spring 2011 term. In a monumental event, the Orange News Editorial Team has decided to make the unprecedented move of introducing, for the first time ever, two top stories.
Our top story tonight: it's pretty damn hot. That's right, Statistics Canada, the Weather Network, Waterloo's Weather Station experts, and Weird Al have all reached the same conclusion that it's pretty damn hot. Temperatures are very high, the humidity index as well, there's very little wind-factor, and overall it's been freakin' scorching for the past few days.
Other things that are hot include soup, the sun, the Human Torch, a desert (but not a dessert), a stove, and me, your faithful reporter Orange Crush, who has been voted "hottest mathNEWS reporter" in a survey that nobody but me knew about.
Waterloo students are doing their utmost to combat the fact that it's pretty damn hot, each according to their faculty. Environmental Studies students have written a letter to the sun asking it to turn it down a bit, but reports indicate that the letter was probably incinerated before the sun could read it, sadly. Science students have tried using dry ice to cool off, but all it did was create awesome fog, and then it was gone. AHS students learned that the best way to keep their body cool is to reduce their level of activity, and thus they all became couch potatoes. Art students all went to the beach and were arrested for unruly behaviour. The engineers tried to engineer a device to cool themselves off, but GM sued them for ripping off their design for an air-conditioner, so the engineers resorted to drinking more beer instead. Even Laurier students responded to the heat by wearing even shorter pants, just when you thought it was impossible.
Math students, however, are simply too busy with assignments, projects, quizzes, presentations, and other actual work to do anything about the heat. MC2066 has never smelled worse. Honestly.
So there you have it, it's pretty damn hot. And that's it for our top story tonight.
Our top story tonight is that, according to rumours, nobody likes me, Orange Crush. This comes as a surprise considering the fact that last term O.C. has been voted as "most beloved person on campus" in a survey nobody knew about. On the other hand, innocent UW students have consistently been trying to avoid talking to me this term. Also, nobody ever emailed me this term even though I posted my email on like every article. Thanks a lot people. The conflicting evidence needed to be sorted out in order to reduce dissonance and bring to readers a conclusive answer once and for all.
Under personal risk, the Orange News Editorial Team went out to investigate what the real students of the UW Math faculty think about Orange Crush.
Nick said, "yeah, that Orange Crush". He didn't elaborate further.
Marc said, "Orange Crush? Best articles in mathNEWS. But I'm not sure that's really saying much". The mHS (mathNEWS Hit-Squad) has been dispatched to deal with Marc.
Aaron said, "who is this Orange Crush? I drink Cream Soda".
Tai said, "yeah, I hear he writes for mathNEWS and nobody likes him".
Anne said "Orange Crush is dumb, and not funny at all. Wait, aren't you Orange Crush?"
Lan said "I can't actually say I hate him, that's so mean, I can't do that".
A pure math prof said "I don't really read Orange Crush's articles, they're too long".
A stats prof said "please hand in the assignment at the end of class".
A mathNEWS editor said "Orange Crush is a menace! Get me some pictures!"
Orange Crush said "Orange Crush is the worst person alive. Really, just a despicable, awful person. We should kill him."
So there you have it, actual quotes describing what people really think about Orange Crush. I honestly have no idea what sort of conclusions can be drawn from these. So in conclusion, you know, something and stuff. If you want your opinion about Orange Crush to be heard, make sure to contact the Orange News Editorial Team at email@example.com. If you don't want your opinion about Orange Crush to be heard, then shut the hell up. It's pretty damn hot outside, and I don't need your crap right now.
Orange Crush is signing off for the term, but you can look for him to continue his fan-favourite columns next term, exclusively on mathNEWS. Until then, good luck on exams, enjoy your summer, don't forget to give me that $20 you owe me next time you see me, good night, and good freakin' news.