Choose Your Own Adventure

The Bus Ride of Doom!

By Terry Frostywillow

Remember those wonderful "Choose Your Own Adventure" books that we used to read as children? We're proud to present an excerpt from The Bus Ride of Doom! which is the newest book in the C.Y.O.A. series by reknowned children's author Terry Frostywillow. Simply start at paragraph number one below, and choose the paragraphs that you wish to take.

1. You are Timmy, a quiet, shy, and harmless little boy. Although you are relatively smart, you spend a lot of time reading silly choose-your-own-adventure books. As a result, your marks are lower than they should be, and you ended up as an Arts student at the University of Waterloo. If you feel shame, go to paragraph 5. If you decide to transfer to the Math Faculty, go to paragraph 10.

2. "Wud yooo like tooo--" is all you get out before you throw up on her shirt.
   "No. One was quite enough." sighs the attractive blonde.
   Good going, blockhead. If you decide that now really is the best time to be going, go to paragraph 16. If you think that buying her a drink is a better idea, go to paragraph 12.

3. After hopping up on your barstool you trip and land head first into a tray of glasses. Ouch! All those shards must sting a bit! If you decide to go catch a bus to go to the hospital, go to paragraph 16. If you decide to make the drink with your face full of blood, go to paragraph 24.

4. You head on over to the Math Building. Wow! Look at the blue thing! That must be art! Thank goodness you're not going to be an Arts student anymore! Ooooh! There's a calculus class in session! If you decide to go into the calculus class, go to paragraph 13. If you want to get the hell out of here, go to paragraph 16.

5. You feel shame. Poor Timmy. The End.

6. Hey! You're dead! You can't choose a different answer! It's over, man! Go lie down and die!

7. "You heard me, fat boy," you say.
   Mister Toomey, the normally jolly registrar, rears back, makes a fist, and begins to swing his arm around in an incredibly powerful punch. If you decide to duck your head to avoid being hit, go to paragraph 11. If you decide to not duck, go to paragraph 14.

8. You go to the Bombshelter to get smashed. A cute girl walks into the bar. If you say "Woo-hoo! Thar be the little lash whosh come to kish me." go to paragraph 18. If you say "Well, fiddle-dee-dee! Yer da cootest fing I've sheen all day!" go to paragraph 18. If you say "I love you, man! You're the best!" go to paragraph 18.

9. You're pissed and she's got barf on her shoes! She's not going to go on a date with you, you moron. You realize that this would be a good time to leave. If you decide to leave, go to paragraph 16. If you really go through with asking her out, go to paragraph 2.

10. You decide to transfer into mathematics. Wow! Look at all the numbers! Let's go over to the registrar's office! Look, it's Mister Toomey, the registrar!
    "Hey there, Mister Toomey! I wanna be a Math student!"
    "Whoa there, Timmy! Let's see if you know any math first! What's the antiderivative of 3?"
    If you say "Gee, that's a tough one, Mister Toomey!" go to paragraph 15. If you kick Mister Toomey's ass, go to paragraph 20.

11. You duck and the punch goes sailing over your head and into Bobby, the one-toothed freak who you call your best friend. "Bobby!" you cry, but it's too late. He lost his last tooth. If you decide to take Bobby to the dentist, go to paragraph 17. If you decide to get the hell off campus, go to paragraph 16.

12. You look around for the bartender. Where is that sonovabitch? Well, looks like you might as well leave. If you decide to go catch a bus, go to paragraph 16. If you hop over the bar to make her a drink yourself, go to paragraph 3.

13. Calculus class? You're in the middle of an adventure called "The Bus Ride of Doom" and you're going to spend the adventure in Calculus class? Fine then, put this story down and go to the nearest Calculus class. You're done.

14. Ooh. Good choice. Yeah, don't duck. That's smart thinking. It's not like you only have a split-second in order to make this decision. You've got freakin' forever to make it! Fine. You get hit in the head. And you know what? You're dead. Didn't see that one coming, eh? And don't think that you can just go back to 6 and choose differently. You're dead!

15. "Gee, that's a tough one, Mister Toomey!" you say.
    "Well, yes, I guess you're right. Ha ha ha. Why don't you spend a day over in the Math Building and attend some classes. Then decide whether Mathematics are for you!"
    If you say "Wow! What a great idea!" go to paragraph 4. If you say "Why the fuck would I want go there when I'm not going to get credit for it?" go to paragraph 19.

16. You're standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Here it comes! Uh oh! This looks like a scary bus! You're in for quite the adventure! If you decide to get on this bus go to paragraph 25. If you decide to wait for the next bus, that one's a scary one too, so go to paragraph 25. If you decide not to get on any bus, then you're suddenly possessed by aliens who really want to ride the bus; go to paragraph 25.

17. What do you think the dentist is going to do? Do you think he can glue the tooth back on? It was knocked out of his mouth! Oh well, you decided to go to the dentist. It's too late to change your mind. You know, in order to get to the dentist, you're going to need to take the bus. Go to paragraph 16.

18. You throw up on her shoes before you can get the words out. If you decide that this would be a good time to leave, go to paragraph 16. If you think she's buttered-up enough to ask her for a date, go to paragraph 9.

19. You make the cute little statement to Mister Toomey, who seems to have misunderstood you.
    "Pardon?" says Mister Toomey.
    If you clarify your statement by saying "You heard me, fat boy" go to paragraph 7. If you decide to leave the UW campus as fast as possible, go to paragraph 16.

20. You break out the whoop-ass, and really lay it on Mister Toomey. After fleeing the scene, you think it would be a great idea to leave campus by grabbing the next bus. If you decide to catch the next bus, go to paragraph 16. If you decide to go to the Bombshelter, go to paragraph 8.

21. How the hell did you end up here? Did you just read this thing in order? What kind of dolt are you? Can't you follow instructions? At each point in the story, you're given a freakin' choice! You aren't supposed to go through them sequentially! What kind of moron reads a choose-your-own-adventure in order? You've ruined all our careful planning and storytelling! It's not supposed to make any sense if you read the paragraphs in order! I'm so pissed off at you that I want to punch you in the chin! Why don't you come over to the publishing house so that I can punch you! You'll need to take a bus to get here! Go to paragraph 16.

22. Holy crap! What are you doing? You can't possibly get to this paragraph unless you're reading these things one after the other! You obviously can't handle a choose-your-own-adventure book! Why don't you go read a normal book! Those you can read in order! I'll bet you'll skip to the end of that book too! It's people like you that cause storytellers to go insane with rage! Insane! With rage! You think I'm kidding? Come take a look! I'm just down Weber Street on the 8 bus! Go to paragraph 16.

23. Alright, fine. I'm tired of playing this game. It's over. You win. Yeah, you heard me. You win. Congratulations. Do you feel better know? What's that? You want to know what you win? You win a free bus ride! Here's your ticket! Go board the bus at paragraph 16. See you there!

24. You pour every liquor you can find into the largest glass that you can find. You slide the drink down to the other end of the bar, where it promptly falls onto the floor. The bartender returns with the campus cops. "I'll lick it up!" you offer. The cops take you to the bus stop and force you to get on the next bus. Go to paragraph 16, you bastard.

25. You get on the bus and experience The Bus Ride of Doom! For more details, please read the sequel, The Bus Ride of Doom 2!

CAS