Burbles

News You Can Lose

Government working for you: I always like to see government supporting culture and the arts, especially projects that gain international repute and help to show the world what kind of a country Canada really is. This is why I'm so pleased to report that a movie funded in part by the Federal and Ontario governments won the prestigious grand prize at the FREAKZONE International Festival of Trash Cinema in France. The film, entitled "Bubbles Galore", is the inspiring story of a producer of pornographic movies who has to face the challenge of training her leading lady in the ways of the art, and stars Nina Hartley, star of 300 other such films. The movie's credits thank numerous government agencies for their "generous financial assistance" in funding a "feminist sex fantasy". What is most surprising about this is that the film is only receiving national attention now, two years after its creation. I guess it had to make the rounds of the Telefilm Canada and Canada Council offices before being released to general distribution.

I was enraged recently to read about the epidemic proportions in which women in colleges across America are starving themselves to death for beauty's sake. Enraged, as I am whenever I find true human potential being cast aside in the quest for superficial satisfaction. Enraged, because I know that for every such woman who is unable to love herself there is an ugly guy like me who would gladly shoulder that responsibility. We have a society of people who are insecure enough to believe that they will never find happiness except by conforming to some imagined ideal. And that's why I'm such a strong believer in arranged marriages.

How to report a crisis (a quick-reference guide for TV news directors): First, upon learning of a crisis situation, interrupt the current program by displaying a message over the lower half of the screen. Use this space to disseminate unsubstantiated rumours. Make sure to tell viewers to tune in at six o'clock to get the full story. On the nightly news, have the anchors read the reports of unconfirmed sources, accompanied by graphic stock footage and blurry aerial camera shots of the scene. Then cut to the reporter you have dispatched to the scene. This person will stand in front of some generic house or other building and explain that, although the police haven't released any useful information and they can't show you the scene, the intrepid reporter will remain there all night to provide updates. Show updates periodically, but make sure to only introduce one new piece of information at each opportunity.

For the first and second weeks, investigate every possible link with the crisis. Valuable occasions include funerals and other memorial services, as well as victim counselling groups. Of course, hospitals and people's homes can be covered at any time. Now is also the time to employ university professors and other recognized experts to blame video games, the proliferation of guns, TV, and the breakdown of family values before finally concluding that the motives of the perpetrators will never be known and the fate of the victims cannot be predicted.

In the third week, when public interest is starting to wane, find (or pay) some outspoken media personality to make objectionable comments about the crisis. Make sure you get statements from many of the crisis victims, as well as ordinary people. See if you can get the outspoken media personality fired. Then you can discuss freedom of speech and censorship. Finally, when the well of opportunity has run dry, do a detailed show analyzing the influence of the media, how it may have inflamed the crisis and caused additional suffering to the victims.

Richard Bilson
With files from the National Post