Hello everyone and welcome to the Spring '99. I'm very hungry and have a lot of work to do right now but I'm also a bit of a masochist which is why I'm writing this thing instead of attending a tutorial I really should attend.
There's a lot of stuff going on this term. If all has gone well you would have just attended our first movie night (Ronin and Out of Sight). Movie-Gal Jovie is in the room and she promises more chick flicks in the future. These Movie people could make me really happy if we see The English Patient, Les Miserables and Grosse Pointe Blank (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
Hawaiian Pub Night is tonight at the Bomber! You've never had so much fun and you're not going to Hawaii anytime soon so you might as well come out. More details on activiites will be given as they become available.
<We Interrupt This Article For Some Arrogant Hypocritical Preaching>
Oh yeah, one more thing. You people in Math? You're all bastards. All of you. I can say that now that elections are over. Bastards. You're a bunch of apathetic jerks and the only reason you read this article is because you somehow thought it was profQUOTES. You all walk by each other everyday and nobody says hello to a stranger. What's wrong with you? Are we at war or somethin... oh... touchy subject, nevermind. I mean it's not like you're walking through a mall during the Winter Holiday season when all the other shoppers are willing to kill you for a noisy vibrating Elmo doll. You're wandering the halls past your fellow students. People who work, cry, bleed, just like you do. Some of them even shower (when I find out who they are I'll let you know although I'm sorry to say that odds are they aren't single) And if someone drops something on the floor, like all her pencils, the least you can do is help her pick them up instead of walking on them and stepping on her arms and neck. Bunch of savages in this faculty. All of you.
Don't believe what a bunch of barbarians you are? Wait till your prof hands back the last assignment at the end of a lecture. It's more obvious when they're left in one pile, but you can still see a bit of Lord of the Flies creeping out into the assignment-return system if they're spaced out.
So smarten up. Kiss each other. Hug. Be happy. Take up an office hour to better meet your fellow students and do something remotely nice for them (see below). Buy more food at the C&D. Give me all your money. Help the students who look like they're having trouble with their work, wherever they may be. And I don't just mean help them because they're cute and you desperately want to get laid. I mean help them because it's a nice thing to do, and then walk away with that warm fuzzy feeling inside instead of being the miserable bastard I happen to be.
My screen has just gone funny so I apologize if this looks like gibberish (well, like more gibberish than you'd expect from me), they probably won't publish this anyway and you won't care.
Our office requires more volunteers. Check out the schedule on the MathSoc office door (MC3038) and sign up. Also if you're interested in running Canada Day events on behalf of the Math Society (it's a big job, and apparently a lot of fun), contact your VP Activities and Services, Natalie Thompson. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You may have noticed that everything's new this spring. Well, maybe you haven't noticed at all. And maybe "everything" really means "something". Screw it. There's a new Fed Exec (you can tell they're keeners because someone tricked them all into attending a Math Society Council meeting. They know better now). Investigations into Comfy Lounge changes are underway by the ever vigilant and always too damn busy for the rest of us VPA, Chris Brawn. If things go well expect some work being done (within our measly budget!) to fix up the lounge. Apologies for any inconvenience it might cause. Shouldn't be for awhile now anyway. We might trick Steve (you call him Snuggles, just like you say toe-mah-toe) such that renovations get done when he takes office. But don't tell him.
Most important: If you have any suggestions for improving student life, no matter how inane, remember: email@example.com
President, Math Society