mathNEWS Issue 82.4: Friday, March 8, 2000

The C.B.C. Hits Home

If anyone has gone out to buy pop lately, they have probably noticed a substantial jump in the cost of about $2.50 for a case of 24 cans. (That's about 10 cents per can if you're in Arts.) Ask anyone who sells the stuff, and they'll probably reply "I don't know what's up with that," or something very similar. What they, and in fact a large majority of the governments of the western nations are trying to hide from you, is the on-going Middle East Carbonated Beverage Crisis.

For those of you who are not up on the political end of things, this crisis stemmed directly from the Oil Crisis of 1973 in which the Middle East countries cut off exports of crude oil to the western nations. After some careful diplomatic negotiations, the embargo was talked down to a permanent ban on the export of carbonated water from the Middle East. Both sides felt that this was a fair agreement when the Middle East countries realized that the US could never possibly reproduce the process of carbonating water. The representatives of the United States, in the tradition of not thinking about anything past the next Superbowl, foolishly accepted the proposal.

"If we can put a man on the moon, we can put carbon in water." -- Unknown

Preliminary experiments showed that we were indeed technically advanced enough to put carbon in water. (Thanks Unknown.) Unfortunately, early attempts to produce carbonated water failed miserably as the recipe turned out to be more complicated than just dropping a chunk of coal in a glass of water. Fortunately, this was not a short-term concern. Soft drink distributors had been able to stockpile a 30 year supply (based on an exponential growth equation) of carbonated water because of their failed advertising campaign in the attempt to put six cans of pop in the hands of every American.

As the years passed, the greatest minds of the west continued their attempts to produce carbonated water with no luck. Other techniques attempted were as follows: a) Drop a chunk coal in a glass of water and then dump out the water; b) Drop a chunk of coal in a glass of water and leave it on top of the TV. Even dropping a chunk of coal in a glass of water and leaving it in the CSC failed. After 15 years of failure it was concluded that putting a chunk of coal in water was not the answer. By this time, the western nations saw the rising tensions in the Middle East as an opportunity to steal the secret for carbonated water and started the Gulf War. This ended quickly when it was discovered that the secret was not to be found in Iraq, and it was too late to come to some sort of "compromise."

In early 1999, the soft drink distributors proved by induction that they could not possibly discover the secret to carbonating water. However, the proof was also something they couldn't get right as someone had forgotten the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. Using this newly found knowledge, a process for carbonating water was developed and new facilities were developed to take on this massive task. The cost was overwhelming and to compensate, the prices of carbonated beverages were increased in the hopes that no one would notice the change.

This gamble didn't pay off and many people started to ask about the high prices of pop. To cover up the crisis and 25 years of failure, the governments of the west decided to start the "I Don't Know" campaign hoping to cover their failure and force the general population to accept the new, higher prices of pop. DON'T LET THEM DO THIS! Let your voice be heard, and let the truth be known. So now, if anybody asks you why the prices of pop are ridiculously high, you can tell them the whole story.

Bryan "Oracle" Coutch



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