Liam Spews

Bacon is slow. Well bacon is interesting, after you eat 4 pounds of it... well you feel like puking... and even if you take it easy and only eat 2 pounds of it... the fat starts to congeal in your stomach, and well... it's not good... and then there's gravy... it's like bacon 'cause there's fat... but if you drink gravy (like the Swiss Chalet kind — YUMMY) it's good... and you can drink a lot of it... but if it's boiling you really can't... 'cause it burns... oh does it burn... and bacon the server is really slow 'cause tushar is showing off... but that's unrelated... and you should feel free to kick tushar when you see him... but not hard... 'cause he's a nice guy... so maybe you should just suzy kick him... and let me watch... but anyway... what else can I say, hmm... bacon... I don't actually know how to cook it you see... well I do in a microwave... and I imagine frying it's not all that hard, but I never have, and am starting to develop a phobia... oh well... at least I can still fly... and bacon shakes are really really really bad...and I'm getting a CAR... happy times... sorta... except for the whole expense thing... but there are worse things... hmm... and there's a bunch of other cool things... and to whoever is organizing the absolute trials this term... are you still doing that? and when are they...? I wonder if the cat likes bacon, he doesn't like pepperoni... but maybe... but he's fat... really... really... fat...so Pam decided not to feed so much anymore... and now every time we go into the kitchen, he gives us this really pathetic look... but I just laugh 'cause he's funny... and that's pretty random... hmm... back on topic... ok bacon... it comes from a Pig. hmm... My other roommate who has a passing acquaintance with pig farms... well when he talks about pigs having sex... he makes this really scary motion... yikes... too much info... so one day I'm eating bacon... and wow... bacon plus maple syrup is really good... but not so good... is just bacon... it just doesn't have the same taste... as it used to... probably I ate at Mel's too much... and no longer like it... but Mel's is still cool... 'cause you can eat there whenever you want on the weekends... and 24hr food is cool... Sobey's is ok too... they also sell bacon... and bacon... well... we've been over that... ok... so one day I'm eating bacon... and this beautiful chick walks up and... tushar... shut up... so I'm eating bacon... and well actually I haven't eaten bacon in a really long time... like ... since the last time my step-mom made me breakfast... and that was really really good... 'cause she's an amazing cook... hmm... actually... I have a barbecue... barbecued bacon???? hmmm... naw... so marshall you ever gonna bring over the steak? you know a couple of Saturdays ago I was at the Huether Hotel... and they have this amazing game... called "Karate Champ", I suggest playing after you've had a couple... it's really really fun and exciting... and difficult to master with alcohol... and it's only 25 cents to play, and 25 cents for the second player to continue... and today... I was taking about the good old days of BBSs, and pointers are good... and I HATE Java... and I mean it has it's uses... but I just HATE coding in it... anyway... I'll stop now... 'cause the conversation in the room degenerated into masturbation and well... I'll stop now...

Liam Dorey

[The editors would like to congratulate Liam Dorey, today's recipient of the Skrzydlo Memorial award for the worst writing in an issue of mathNEWS. Well done, Liam, and we hope no one bashes your skull in with your little statuette. Because that would... really really suck... actually... not that it would be entirely unwarranted... — RichEd]