No, Prime Minister

The Election

Jean Chretien walked into his office during a quick stopover in Ottawa during the electoral campaigning. His two top advisors were there waiting for him. "Allo!" the Prime Minister began. "I 'ave brought you 'eres so yous can tell me what changies to make to my campaign, so dat more of de publics will be voting for me. So, first of alls, 'ave you been following de polls?"

"No, Prime Minister," Sir Homefree remarked. "Because such figures are notoriously unreliable and misleading."

"In particular," Beernerd added, "Most of the results coming in from Ontario can't be taken at face value because apparently people there are getting confused between the municipal and the federal elections."

"What? But Ontarios is de most important province! Dis is where we won de most seats last times!"

Homefree sighed. "Well Prime Minister, you will recall that such an early election call was not recommended by cabinet."

"Now listen 'ere, Homefries..."

"Homefree."

"Dis was great times for an election!" Chretien countered. "De economy and de budget are going good, and de only real oppositions is da Reform-Alliance. And dey are not able to be running in all ridings yet! De only reason I am considering campaign changies is because Stockwells could cause problems with de minorities."

"If by that you mean cause a Liberal minority government, I suppose it's possible, Prime Minister," Homefree admitted. "In fact, some in the public think that would be the optimal outcome."

"So is dat why I am loosing votes?"

"Partly. Another problem is that Mr. Day has charisma."

"Pardons me? Cholera?"

"No, Prime Minister, charisma, he's personable," Homefree clarified. "He has the sort of face that can make people believe he's revealing a lot of important information when in fact he's consistently saying next to nothing."

"But I am good at saying nothings too!"

Beernerd cleared his throat. "You just have to be careful, Prime Minister, so that when you say nothing others can't compare it to times nothing was said and something happened or something was said that led to nothing, since others who say nothing have nothing much for comparing and can have something to their nothings when they say anything."

Chretien stared. He turned back to Homefree. "Yes, well, maybe we can get Stockwells to tour a cheesies factory in a bonnet. Dat was a good way to 'andle Duceppe last election."

"Well, putting aside Mr. Day for the moment, Prime Minister, we have identified some problems in the Liberal campaign," Homefree continued. He opened a file folder.

"Such as whats?"

"Well, the decision to use 'Put Your Hands up in the Air' as the Liberal theme song, for example. I've heard some people compare it to a bank robbery."

"Did yous 'ave a more fitting idea for de party song?"

"How about 'Shoebox of Lies'?" quipped Beernerd.

"Then there's also the question of the Liberal little red book," Homefree continued undaunted. "Admittedly our report about it is based on last Tuesday's version, but I found some surprisingly courageous decisions in there."

"Uh-oh, coorages? I don't remember dem, where were dey?"

"Oh, Prime Minister, I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I don't thinks I do."

"I think you do, but maybe you just don't think I think that you're thinking what you thought I thought of."

"Pardons?"

"No time to explain Prime Minister," Beernerd cut in. "But needless to say there was a list of troubling items."

"Well den, Beernuts..."

"Beernerd."

"Tell me da changies to make! For dat matter, on a personnels lever, what issue do you thinks is useable to get more of da voters?"

"On a personal level?" Beernerd said in surprise. "Well, to be honest, the brain drain has always been a concern of mine..."

"Beernerd, I suggest putting a plug in your mouth before everything in your brain drains out," advised Homefree.

"Wait a minutes, I thought dat we called in Roto-Rooters to fix da brain drain over da summer," Chretien said, confused.

"Prime Minister, are you confusing the National Post with Daglobenpost again?" Homefree responded in annoyance.

"All I meant," Beernerd continued by way of explanation, "Is that it's one of many issues which may impact students, who are also potential voters."

"You think studentses are actually following de politics?" the Prime Minister stated in surprise. "When are dey finding de times?"

"With all due respect, Prime Minister," Homefree cut back in, "As long as you don't play up any of the problems we list, I think the best thing to do now is simply continue hitting points like our plans for health care and tax cuts over and over, being as consistent as possible about them. Well, consistent in terms of the last three weeks anyway. Meanwhile, to deal with the Reform-Alliance, we can take very subtle jabs at Stockwell Day. After all, he has indicated he won't retaliate."

"So yous are suggesting I looks him the face and stabs him in the back?"

"Actually Prime Minister," Beernerd quickly noted, "That would be difficult to do unless you have particularly long arms, and even then accuracy with most conventional blades would be difficult."

Chretien sighed. "Look, I just wants to be doing de thingies so dat in respects to being in da same position in December, I am home free."

"Ah," Homfree remarked, "Well for the record, me Homefree. You party leader. But I think you'll be all right if you actually follow our advice."

"You 'ave not saids anything yet though!" Chretien said angrily.

"Exactly, Prime Minister!" Homefree said with a smile. "Nor have we understood everything you've been saying! And when people read this sort of article in any publication they won't know what to say about it either!"

Chretien paused, obviously still a bit confused.

"I believe what Homefree is endeavouring to articulate," Beernerd offered, "Is that with an elevated probability, the conceivable repercussion of continuing reliance upon certain conventional techniques of obfuscation will be relative governmental status quo."

"Aha! I thinks I am getting dis!" Chretien realized. "So shoulds I even be worried about campaign changies?"

Homefree tipped his head to the side as he closed his file folder. "No, Prime Minister."

Greg "hologrami" Taylor