mathNEWS Issue 85.1: Friday, January 19, 2001

The Horrorscope

After many hours spent deciphering the symbols contained within numerous undergrad calendars, we've discovered signs of the future to those taking courses under certain signs.

Stop hanging out around the Comfy Lounge. Ignoring this will result in an increased decline in social skills. On the brighter side, the iMacs sure look pretty at night.
The intersection with other signs is fairly minimal. Ambush may be the best solution.
Your lucky number is 42.

You will never find a girlfriend. Your companion shall be IRC. Sunlight may cause cramping of the hand. For those born under the fifth moon of Jupiter, Dance Dance Revolution will be the most exercise you will have in the longest time.
Interactions with any other sign is a miracle. Relish it.
Your lucky number is O(nlogn).

You will experience depreciation. Your homework account will soon be credited. As a result, you may find your time debited. Budget yourself wisely and prepare a little overflow on the side.
You may have to defend yourself against a STAT. Prepare yourself.
Your lucky number is (500).

Death is foreseeable in your future. Approximately 65% for age 50 and over, 75% for age 60 and a 1% increase for each additional year over 60. Prepare to spend a lot of time dealing with insurances.
STAT will be outraged over the use of their analytical tools. Run.
Your lucky number is Policy "1756-A".

You will be awarded a promotion into a cubicle. You better start thinking pro-actively or you will soon be re-engineered into a code monkey.
Your right angled turn will cause you to be strangely attracted to CS.
Your lucky number is -64000.

The shadow of CS will hang over your head. (Nuff said.)
You will have pour over many textbooks with students under the C&O sign.
Your lucky number is less than 65.

Optimize your fortune by avoiding bridges at all costs. A person from Hamilton will send you in a complete circle. This may be a double edged graph.
Do not talk to ENG.
Your lucky number is 4 colours.

Much pain and suffering is in your future. (Sorry.) The standard deviation of the marks may cause untold amounts of stress. Have codeine on hand at all times.
Avoid interactions with MATHBUS and MATH. You will scare them.
Your lucky number is N(4,2.3).

The squeegee water is dirty. Therefore, your future is not prosperous. For what is a squeegee, but the water it uses.
Check the OR. You like it so far?
Your lucky number is 25 cents.

You will spend many hours consuming alcohol. (Duh!) A concept called "proofs" shall eternally baffle you.
Interactions with MATH will result in random acts of unselfish love at night. (I just interpret the symbols, I don't write them.)
You're lucky number is "x".

Empirical evidence suggests your future is dim. Have a Snickers.
Experiment with a CS.
Your lucky number is 8.314.

A serious epidemic of boredom shall come upon you. Watch "Animal House", listen to Green Day, slam back a few cold brews, and call me in the morning. If this doesn't work ... try Jazzercise.
You will receive excessive amounts of attention from MATH. Especially if you are female.
Your lucky number is my phone number. (Use it baby!)

MonkeyMan & Co.

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