mathNEWS Issue 85.3: Friday, February 16, 2001

The HorrorScope

It makes no sense.

Delving into the depths of the Undergrad Calendar, the secrets of the respective majors and faculties have been decrypted ... encrypted and decrypted again.


Refrain from any Chinese Remainder you may find in the fridge or, like Fermat, it may be your Last. Carry some Pepto-Bismol to Eliminate any Gauss. Be careful when you use Occam's Razor or you may nick yourself.
Give up on that MATHBUS. There's no REAL connection.
Your lucky number is e^(pi*i).


Concurrently working on assignments and trying to get that special someone will not work. Try a little change. Using iMacs may put a little colour into your life. Writing code to woo the person of your affections isn't exactly the best way to achieve that goal [Yeah, ask Ray — Pete Love].
The attention, you are paying to that Hot Potato in AHS, will soon be rewarded.
Your lucky number is a 1 on a DEX check.


France might be la place to spend your time searching for that someone who is currently frequenting your mind. You need a break from your courses. I recommend you take stop by England and get some of that London life. Make sure you take some insurance with you. People do dumb things. It's not an option.
Keep a lookout for that ARTS frequenting the beaches.
Your lucky number is 250.


Watch that partying. You may soon find yourself taxed. Instead, spend some time on your books. You will find that investing some effort into your studies will have great results.
You will soon find yourself working close to MATHBUS.
Your lucky number is 5.0 Altman Z-Score (what the f**k!?!).


Casualties are foreseen in your future. If you avoid risk, you can lower the probability of any problems experienced in life and death. Just relax, guy. Have a beer.
ARTS are not impressed with your grim predictions. Offer money instead.
Your lucky number is between the ages of 50 and 75, with no medical exam.


Deregulate your schedule and embark on to new business opportunities. Bringing Laurier girls to CS and selling them off will be the most profitable venture you will ever have in this faculty.
If this venture goes well, CS shall worship you.
Your lucky number is 75 University Ave.


You may have some problems with complex real world situations. For that reason, join some fringe cult like ENG. Drink milk. Does an OR good.
Looking through the skylight of BMH won't get you any closer to AHS.
Your lucky number is UNDEFINED.


Prepare to optimize time outside while the weather is warm. Spend some time graphing the local pubs to establish the fastest path. If you see a black cat, close your eyes. After all, you can't take a porcupine, throw it into a bar, light it on fire, and expect to make licorice.
The way to SCI's heart is a k-complete graph.
Your lucky number is encoded in a generating function.


I NEED A FOR LOOP, STAT! I'm 95% confident that you will meet a man named Gauss in a dark alley by the full moon. If he offers you a carrot, buy it. Do not deviate from this standard, unless he offers to sell you a golden ball bearing.
Even though the probability that all ENG are ugly is a chi distribution, sleep with them anyway.
Your lucky number is Greek.


Go to TheSpark.Com and test your purity. If you are less than 10, pursue MATHBUS for a business transaction. If you are less than 5, pursue AHS. If you get 0 or less, phone me.
MATHBUS/AHS takes you to court. Expect restraining order.
Your lucky number is a lawyer's fee.


The squeegee water has E. Coli but drink it anyways 'cause you have nothing else. Your new logo is a sign of your imminent doom. So pray hard to one of the older programs like MATH.
You're praying but MATH's not listening, but he/she's looking.
Your lucky number is only 2 cents.


Prepare to Take Back The Comfy. If a poet comes offering beer, give him a kiss. If a CS comes offering beer, take him/her home. If I offer you a beer, it's Miller time, baby. Bring your Crisco and your tennis racket. No. is not considered a hobby.
Avoid contact with PMATH. It'll just cause confusion.
Your lucky number is "currently washing their hair."


Your test tubes are cracked. Be thankful that those are the only things that are cracked. Take advantage of those long lab coats to hide those unsightly oil stains from cooking on the bunsen burners late at night.
No. SCI and ACTSCI has no relation. Give up.
Your lucky number is 9.81.


There is no cure for that warm fuzzy feeling leftover from Valentine's Day. The best you can do is to satisfy your desire for romance. Watch any movie with Julia Roberts. If that doesn't work, go out and drown those feelings with a few pitchers.
Turkish MATH KISS you.
Your lucky number is dial-a-bottle.

MonkeyMan & Co.

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