The Frosh Cornered

The Cornered Frosh Guarantee

After consultation with my friends here at mathNEWS, I have come to the conclusion that my articles are way too long. Furthermore, I have wandered from the funny content of which I was an advocate to the Imprint style endless rants. Therefore, I now propose the Cornered Frosh Guarantee. Starting today, my Frosh Cornered column will be kept under one page and will contain 50% less rants. If I fail to keep my promise, you'll get your money back. It's that simple.

The Frosh Graduation Ceremony... PACO Training

It wasn't that long ago that some of us went through the bliss of Frosh Week. For many of us, it was a week of meeting new friends, finding upper year students to leech CS assignments off of, and getting involved in the school community. For a portion of us that want to usher new frosh through this ritual, we become Frosh Leaders in a bid to relive that magical week that was Scunt, Frosh Wash (remember my phone?), and the $0.75 dinner subsidies.

After frosh week, I learned that there were so many rules and regulations involved in being a frosh leader, such as 'no dating the frosh' or 'no getting ass drunk when you're a frosh leader'. Naturally, I asked the question "Where do you learn such things?".

The answer to the above is: PACO training, short for Provost's Advisory Committee on Orientation. PACO is what every wannabe frosh leader must go through to become a walking and breathing icon, adored by frosh everywhere. Although the information PACO teaches us is valuable, it can be classified under the "Duh, stating the obvious, Sir" category of learning. Today, the Cornered Frosh interpets the teachings of PACO and gives you the rundown on what is okay, and what is not okay, to do if you're a frosh leader.

• Yes, hazing does including taping your peer's books to the ceiling.
  As is a common practice in the MathSoc office, any unclaimed belongings that belong to a frosh are open property to be taped to the ceiling using duct tape, clear/scotch tape, or masking tape. Usually, the tape of choice is clear scotch tape, which makes removal of taped items a little harder. Apparently, PACO considers this practice as hazing, and it is apparently outlawed according to the orientation gods.
• Sharing is good, but not necessarily if it involves the words "drugs" or "school transcripts".
  It was made clear to us Mathies that Drugs = Bad, by transitive property, Drugs = Evil. However, switching school transcripts with another person of a similar name is also a no-no. The reason for this is that you may find yourself the target of incessent phone calls from people claiming to be "Your Mom, and she's only here to help you."
• Nodding is a leading cause of repetitive stress syndrome for individuals attending PACO training.
  When you sit in training and listen to your trainers, at many times you can't help but just agree with them. Frankly, 99% of the time, you agree with what they are saying, so you nod. Apparently, nodding too much can bring about carpal tunnel syndrom, but for the neck.
• Staring at your trainer attentively should get you out of being asked questions too.
  If you look at unattractive as me [What? Stop kidding, all us mathNEWS posse are damn fine, if you know what I mean :) — Pete Love], and if you keep your undivided attention on their words and their face, they'll probably ignore you, which means less questions you have to field.
• Toga Party = Oktoberfest in September, in Togas.
  For some reason, all the case scenarios we receive in training has something to do with beer, tequila, binge drinking, and frosh leaders walking in just about when the frosh take the first sip of alcohol. Tres convenient, don't you think?
• Your knowledge of double integration and Taylor Series truncation means absolutely jack squat
  No matter how you emphasize it, there is just no way you can sneak in the words 'truncation', 'integration', or 'derivative' in the conversation with your PACO team members. Given, your trainer may be a Mathie, but when you have a group of 5, 4 of which are Artsies, the chances of people appreciating the intricacies of the DeMoivre's theorem approaches 0 as time approaches infinity.
• When writing your name tag, don't associate it with JAVA Code.
  Resist the urge to write your name using correct JAVA syntax. The "Public String Name" before your boldfaced name, plus a corrected worded output statement rarely impresses the Science major sitting beside you [Also, don't ask out anyone else at the PACO training with JAVA code, they're in arts, remember. — Pete Love].
• For some reason, people who attend PACO seems to be highly intoxicated, or taking ritalin.
  When it comes time to answer questions, people usually blankly stare at the instructor, and a long period of silence ensues. People seems to be under the influence of alcohol that would eliminate the brain neurons from activating the impulses to answer or ask questions. Take special caution: Drinking that Ex before PACO isn't particularly a good idea.
• Whenever possible, Frosh will find ways to consume alcohol.
  If there's a will, there's a way. As scenarios go, any situation can have an alcoholic twist. Academic sessions can be interrupted by a frosh forcefully ejecting the contents of his stomach. A game of soccer can end with a frosh kicking another in the shin. Apparently, Frosh can't be trusted with blessed wine either, as church ceremonies can be accented with the odd shout of the drunken frosh near the back of the church.

So there it is. Remember, if you want to be a frosh leader, you have to sit through these insightful sessions of academia. If you've already gone through one of these things, let me know so I can buy the certification off of you.

Send "You're no longer part of 2001 Frosh Week" letters and "We're going to sue you for making fun of PACO" subpoenas to r3lai@uwaterloo.ca

Raymond CT Lai
The Cornered Frosh