The HorrorScope

DEATH by SHNOO SHNOO!!!

Consulting the mystical prophets found in the cabinets of MUO, the misty curtain covering the future is once again drawn back . . . and it's dusty.

MATH
Your proofs have angered ENG. But do not worry. Confuse them with a slide ruler demonstration and then poke them in the eye with that pointy triangular ruler thing from your geometry set.
ARTS will swoon at your ability to defend against ENG.
Your lucky number is eye. (rimshot plz)

CS
Ignore that leprechaun sitting in the chair next to you. You've spent too much time in the labs. GO HOME.
No sign will want to talk to someone chatting with a leprechaun. Your lucky number would be a 4 leaf clover, but this leprechaun is evil, so you ain't got no luck.

ACTSCI
Your ability to predict death has earned you a job in the fortune cookie industry. Things are looking up!
Many oriental MATH shall chase after you wielding sharp compasses.
Your lucky number is combination plate 3.

C&O
When the waitress approaches you to ask if you need more beer, you realize that your relationship with her is a maximum matching.
All waitresses under ARTS are adjacent.
Your lucky number is just the 2 of you.

Teaching Option
You will soon learn some vital lessons. Like how every class, even at the University level, is really nap time.
If you declare nap time, all of CS will follow.
Your lucky number is 20 minutes.

PMATH
Invite your baby over to do some real analysis. It'll be so boring she'll force you to have sex.
Avoid other PMATH (since they won't fall for this).
Your lucky number is 35 seconds.

AM
Stop trying to do the splits. You're no good at the Divergence Theorem. While you're at it, take off that spandex.
Teaching Option will send you to the office for wearing that spandex.
Your lucky number is 3 nights' detention.

STAT
The sample for that survey on drugs you performed is tainted. Better take another hit.
Talk to ARTS, you know they got some stuff.
Your lucky number is one gram.

ACC
Have sex. Drink beer. It's all about balance.
Don't go to MATH. They got no balance.
Your lucky number is 0 balance.

MATHBUS
Your hostile takeover of the comfy lounge is a bad move. Prepare to invest in Lysol futures. Expect no support.
Your only customers will be CS.
Your lucky number is 28.5 closing at 29 up 1/2 on the day.

OR
Be generous. Donate your computer to charity, since you don't need it anymore.
CS will hang on you until they get some.
Your lucky number is 486.

SCI
Stop playing with those frogs. No one is amused by your attempt to make them dance with a top hat and cane. THEY'RE DEAD ALREADY!
CS will find it funny, they're already talking to leprechauns.
Your lucky number is 2 legs.

ENG
Break some stuff. Play a prank. And be prepared to not get ranked.
Beg MATHBUS for a job.
Your lucky number is no ranks.

ARTS
Complaints about your squeegee technique forces you to make a career change. Look towards the golden arches of burger flipping prosperity.
Donate your squeegee to OR. They need it.
Your lucky number is $6.85/hour.

AHS
Go out.
Eat at Joe's.
Talk it up.

Loosen up.
Apple of my eye.
I love you.
Do not pass go.
Take a walk on the wild side. Get some, STAT.
Your lucky number is Perfect 10.

MonkeyMan & Kev(o)