Heat in the Congo

Greetings from Dr. M.M., reporting deep from the south of the Congo river. I was backpacking and portaging for many days before I finally found my desired subjects: the infamous bonobo monkeys, the pygmy chimps, the pan paniscuses. Now there are a few things I've noticed about bonobos. Actually, one thing only. Sex. Bonobo monkeys are all about sex[Funny thing is he ain't makin' the Bonobo stuff up, they are sexaholics — Pete Love]. This revolutionary way of life was such a shocking revelation that I have charted the daily schedule of my favourite bonobo, R-Lai. I first noticed him when he showed "intense excitement" towards a large palm tree. Several coconuts were involved. Here is R-Lai's average daily schedule:

7:00 AM - Wake up[Beside me? — Pete Love], masturbate
[I hope not beside me...yuck — Pete Love] 7:01 AM - Sex with family
7:30 AM - Find some bananas (sex optional)
8:30 AM - Go to school: greet palm trees eagerly
9:30 AM - Group sex with classmates: teacher films
9:45 AM - Recess: sex on the monkey bars
10:00 AM - Gym class: sex-robics sexercise
11:00 AM - Science class: professor reveals anatomy
12:00 AM - Lunch: Trade food for favours
1:00 PM - Math: Best sex ever, those kids are crazy
2:00 PM - English: Skip. Have sex
3:00 PM - Geography: Map out forest in urine
3:30 PM - Daisy chain at the water hole
4:30 PM - Stroll through trees: revisit palm trees
5:25 PM - Scare away predators by impregnation
6:00 PM - Sex with family: Dinner optional
7:30 PM - Prepare for bed: Bring toys
8:00 PM - Sleep: Wet dreams

Clearly, R-Lai and other bonobos have a lot of stamina. I am trying to apply the same life style with human beings, and have successfully integrated into bonobo society. I am setting up a visitor centre this summer for others to experience the wonderful magic of the sweet bonobo life.