Cases of gigantic thumbs are on the rise on recent weeks, doctors at emergency rooms report that patients suffering from gigantic thumbs are trying to rrroll up anything that can be rolled up in any attempt to satisfy their urges. In light of this, the customers of Tim Horton's are now required to roll up the rim of their coffee cups before they can leave the counter.
The newly-introduced chicken stew in a bread bowl has been a resounding success as many customers do eat the bread bowl. However, a disturbing trend has sprung up in the past month. Patrons began to eat the bowls of their stew, whether they are made of bread, porcelain, or metal. People can't resist the urge to eat the bowl. As a result, cases of chipped teeth, broken jaws, and hyperextended lips have risen dramatically. To combat this problem, Tim Horton's is now making the following offer — if a customer adds $1 to his purchase, he also gets a $50 insurance that protects him from bowl-related mishaps.
In an unexpected move for many, all bars in Canada have announced that they will be closed on St. Patrick's Day on the grounds that the day was cancelled. "This is an outrage, I've waited a whole year for this day. How can they do this to us?" is a sentiment felt by many people. They are angry towards bar owners, but they are even angrier toward the politicians who cancelled the holiday. According to sources close to mathNEWS, they will use any means possible to demand the return of St. Patrick's Day. One disgruntled person has informed mathNEWS that the drinkers plan to purchase large amounts of alcohol on Friday the 16th. They also intend to spray beer onto randomly chosen buildings on the 17th. They plan to consume the remaining alcoholic beverages to celebrate the occasion. mathNEWS recommends those who don't drink to stay indoors on the 17th, as many of those disgruntled drunks will be drunk and dangerous.
In light of the recent judicial decision in which a woman who became disabled in a car crash was awarded $300,000, the number of office parties has fallen sharply, as companies have fears of being sued by their own employees. Sales of trampolines have also dropped and many parents have cancelled their children's birthday parties because they fear that parents of other children may sue if the kids don't have a good time at the parties. In some bars, patrons are required to sign waiver forms before they can order drinks to prevent the bar from getting into legal trouble.
In unrelated news, applications for the Law School in the University of Toronto have skyrocketed. The admissions office of U. of T. claimed that this is unprecedented. Even the students accused of changing grades have been pardoned so that they can work on some of the civil suits.
Jason "the Screamer" Lau