Food Critics

It is about time mathNEWS had a food critic again. We've got all sorts of new places opening up in the plazas, not to mention places changing their style ... some for the better, some for the worse. Without even putting out an ad for the position, there was a line-up at my door, but isn't that always the case?

I sent the prospects out to do some sample writing and asked them to report back in two days. Then, after filtering applicants with Kenny's Stud/Dud and Vixen/Oxen tests, it was time to read what they wrote.

The first one was an attack on all people who ate any food that cast a shadow. This lady claimed to be a fifth-level vegan and repeatedly called almost everyone else in the world and mad murderer of all the planet. She was a maybe, I appreciate Simpsons fans.

The next one I read seemed a bit seriouser, but couldn't critique very well. "It's chewilicious! Marvelous! To die for!" was her review of some gum she got at the drug store. The new NHL Ritz crackers at Farah's were, "A splendid new take on a classic meal! Marvelous! To die for!" She wasn't too high on the list, and anyway, I think she died. Marvelous.

The last was my favourite, and I'm not saying that because she's my sister. In fact, she's not my sister. She reviewed some place on Hazel called Simon's. Here are my favourites excerpts from her article: "The decor was eclectic, or ... no, more crappy. Beer and movie posters? Mismatched furnishings? At least the place was freshly vacuumed ... The appetizer of baked nachoes and salsa seemed to be a bit of a hack. I was also disappointed to see that Simon grossly misjudged my capacity for spice and bought mild salsa. I was about to excuse myself under the guise of saving myself for the main meal when the smoke started spewing from the oven. The "Chicken Simonnaise" was saved (I'm not sure if this is a blessing or not) as it was fat dripping on the element that had caused the minor fire (which I had to point out to him) ... I had approved Simon's choice of wine earlier on the phone, and it wasn't too dry, unlike the conversation he attempted. ... It would have been better if he'd served head-eggs and butt-toast. By the time dessert roled around I was hardly in the mood for food. So when he pulled a basket of strawberries and bottle of chocolate sauce out of the cupboard and started licking his lips, I felt it was time to leave." She had a marvelous writing style that was to die for, but came across as too critical so I had to give her the boot.

In the end, we all got a few laughs, but mathNEWS failed to get a new food critic. The End.

Bradley Tsunami Smith