Tech Specs

The Wireless Conspiracy

I'm in hell.

Sure, people say the first co-op placement is supposed to leave lasting memories. I didn't expect that the adage would be that literal. I'm stuck in an ant farm of a cubicle, sharing it with 2 CompEng students.

To my knowledge, there are 2 kinds of Comps. One camp worships the cool and hip image that chugs shots like they are gulps of air. The other is the tight-assed, know-it-all student who thinks they are above all Mathies and CS students. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I'm stuck with one of each.

Early in the work term, one of them got in a lengthy discussion with me about the use of cellular phones. Little do I know, the snobby Comp (we'll call him Monsoon, or better yet, we'll call him by his real name, Mansoor), would use this conversation as his first salvo against Mathidom, or more to the point, CSdom.

What he said was beyond logic: Wireless products would dominate the world in 2 years. Everyone, from little toddlers to retirees, will use wireless products to move around his or her day. Mansoor would create the ultimate wireless company to create these products, and would be a monopoly in the market. Finally, he would force CSers to work under him, and I quote, "Make money for me and other Comps."

To the untrained eye, this may be a slanderous rant against Comps. To our regular Tech Spec readers, this is a blatant conspiracy.

Wireless Technologies won't help people. Wireless Technologies is massive network of mind control devices that is bent on destroying mankind, starting with the Comps. These mind control devices are sinister to the core. Why else would certain weaker portions of Comps fall prey to these wireless project schemes?

Wireless Technologies used to be an assistant to mankind, helping in the global communications that facilitate daily business. However, as time passed, wireless technology evolved to gain sentience. They schemed the weaker selection of all human beings: Engineers, to do their bidding. Certain Comps are the perfect specimens for mind control by the Wireless Technologies: sort-of-smart, egotistical, and an unlimited supply of "I'm-better-than-all-CSers" syndrome.

As soon as the required amount of CompEng students are put under mind control, the Wireless Technologies would force these Comps to create more of the wireless zombies. Since Wireless Technologies cannot influence successfully outside the realm of egotistical maniacs, they must use Comps do make others do their bidding. This is why Comps have this inflated sense esteem and try to force others to work for him/her on wireless technology.

The ultimate goal of these wireless technologies is complete world domination, as the entire world will be put under the grasp of Palms and Handsprings. When every man, woman, and child has a Wireless product in their hands, a single flickering signal will be sent out to all the LCDS, and all humankind would be given an unsustainable urge to recharge their PDA batteries daily, so the wireless products don't die, given Wireless Technologies perpetual life.

What would happen to the devil's advocate (The Comps) once the PDA domination is complete? The Comps will be given the worse punishment of all: their inflated sense of self esteem and their "I'm-Better-Than-CSers" syndrome will be stripped from their minds and their gene pool. Like the Borg without The Collective, they will be confused, scared, and afraid of all life. The will be scattered and be left without a cause.

Bottom line: Don't get entangled in the web of digital deceit. Mathies, be not afraid: we can still harness the powers and the evil of wireless technologies. We can still use PDAs without being swayed to the dark side. Snobby Comps: You will not succeed, and even if you do, you still have no future.

Raymond CT Lai
Technology Columnist
2A CS (Well, what do you think I'm in?)