Elbonia Declares Self Losers

Overturns IOC Tables In Process

Salt Lake City, UTAH: In a dramatic two-hour press conference, which lead to a protest march of Elbonia's entire Olympic team, Olympic cross-country skier Rogden Navehovic and Olympic Sanitation Commission volunteer Ramier Lahovic, the Elbonian Olympics Squad reiterated that they are not deserving of the spectacular Olympic coverage they have received lately.

Despite Navehovic's poor showing in this year's Winter Olympic Games, placing 67 out of 68 skiers, Navehovic insists that his team has been getting an unhealthy amount of encouragement and attention for the past 17 days at Salt Lake City.

"People have been too nice to us two, giving us high-fives, inviting us to dinner ... plus the appearance on Jay Leno," says Navehovic, "We don't deserve this kind of attention. I placed badly because my skies were salvaged off of an airliner that crashed in our mountains last month, and I didn't completely lose because the 68^th skier got distracted while waiting for the score of the Canada/Belarus game. Even Rami didn't fare well in his volunteer efforts. The broom our government provided him didn't have any bristles, and when he asked for a rebristle from our glorious president, he decided to drill Rami's head for Lucky Charms. It's a good thing he escaped relatively unharmed."

Navehovic further stated, "Please, for the love of god, we don't deserve all this attention and praise; we're such a small country."

The Elbonian Olympics team reached its peak of frustrations two days ago when NBC decided to preempt Russia's gold medal ceremony for Cross-Country skiing for an hour-long documentary on Elbonia and its Olympic program, followed by a 30-minute analysis by NBC anchor Tom Brokaw on Navehovic's Olympic performance and Elbonia's volunteer contribution to the XIX Olympic Games.

Nearing the end of his speech, which included his fear that Russian tanks may roll into Elbonia again because of the superior media coverage it has received, Navehovic raged into the 14^th level offices of the International Olympics Committee and demanded to the surly secretary that he be allowed to see IOC president, Juan Antonio Samaranch. When the secretary informed him that the he is no longer IOC president, Navehovic overturned her desk in a fit of rage. He then proceeded downstairs to the NBC media tent where he destroyed three television cameras.

Navehovic is also a summer Olympics competitor in the men's weightlifting competition.

Following his tirade at the NBC media tent, NBC is now planning to air his press conference and the following demonstrations of strength in its entirety on Dateline Tuesday next week, focusing on Navehovic's prospects in the 2004 Summer Olympics Games in Athens.

After Navehovic's conference, in a sparsely attended press conference entertained by a few disinterested reporters from non-credited publications such as Winston-Preston Ladies' Shopper, the California Puff Cigar Tribune, and the Toronto Sun, the Russian Olympic Federation's spokesperson Andre Tchavoski reiterated that Russia needs to be at the center of any media spotlight. "Look at us! We're the ones who tipped Elbonia onto the edge of insanity. Why aren't we getting the press coverage and attention?" Tchavoski stated in an emotional 30-minute speech reminiscent President Clinton's on-air confession of his sexual indiscretions.

"I swear, what does a former Communist Bloc and a world superpower have to do to get some attention around here? If Russian tanks have to roll, we will make it happen!"

The Elbonian Olympic delegation refuses to be reached for comment.