Save the Whales! And Pandas! And ...

Gorillas, and hairy-eared dwarf lemurs. Now I know I'm opening with the formulaic second sentence as a question method, but you're all going to suck it up, or else the Burmese starred tortoise gets it and you wouldn't its precious, oh so valuable blood on your hands now would you? I'm sure that gaussian plane question has been bothering you for a while, but I'm here to remind you that life is not all fun and games. We humans are but a small part of the giant interdependent web of life that's infesting this filthy planet and if you're not going to do your part to save the Twee River redfin then you better make like Lance Bass and ship yourself off to Jupiter.

And don't just say, "But what can I do? I'm just a single university math student!" or "My only skill is cheating at counterstrike!" or "I'm only a Hispanic coal miner!" Helping animals is as easy as keeping a positive attitude and spending your life savings on airfare to Africa. I'm sure you'll be able to convince those starved poachers there's a better way. You better act fast though, because those Green Peace fruits are already protesting the damming of the upper Amazon and unless you save the Mentawai macaque, my shares in GlobalDevCorp are going to plummet. And really, when it comes down to the nub like a poorly sharpened golf pencil, isn't that what we should be doing? Sharing the air, water, and space with all the diverse creatures who manage to eek out survival among our landfills and tailing ponds?

Why, by the time you read this the total population of Somali golden mole will be so small they'll never be able to find enough females to bring back the population level. I'm sure you can all relate to a disproportionately few number of women, so do your part now! For you pantywaists who aren't willing to take the plunge into the black market and buy up all those rhinoceros horns so evil collectors won't be able to there are a few things you can do from the comfort of your very own room in your parents' basement:

• Kill all spiders you find. They're known to eat many other insects, likely endangering their populations.
• Kill all dogs and cats you find. Pet over-population is a leading cause of urban decay and homicide.
• Kill all people you find. That glutton was probably just about to throw his sixpack plastic holder thingie straight into the ocean so it could choke a poor defenceless Dahl.

Remember, just like the one kid with the crappy 'heart' power on Captain Planet says, "Keep this world green and virile. I'm sterile and I hate it."

Tim "Adopt a Mayotte drongo today" Haloun
Is it me or are these getting longer each week :)