Also in the News

Giller Prize Winner Announced

Last week, Austin Clarke won the Giller Prize for his novel The Polished Hoe. The book managed to beat novels by celebrated authors like Wayne Johnson and Carol Shields, despite its total lack of information about prostitution in Warsaw.

Former Wrestling Chief Guilty

It was reported that Kenton Jenkins, the former GM of World Wrestling Entertainment, has been charged with embezzling over a third of a million dollars. What surprised most people who knew Jenkins is that after spending so much time around people violently beating each other and destroying property that he would perform such a boring crime.

Doctor Shortage

In a recent study, the job with the highest percentage of available positions in Canada was doctor. Not surprisingly, the percentage of teenaged boys who would like to "play doctor" is also extremely high.

Burger King Sale Troubled

Diageo PLC is having trouble selling Burger King Corp. The company, which is trying to drop the burger chain to focus more on alcohol sales, reported trouble with the $2.26-million deal when the buyers refused to pay another two million to "get fries with that."

Safe-Injection Sites in Ottawa?

The possibility of safe-injection sites for drug users is being entertained by the mayor of Ottawa. The program is also being considered across North America, and some Ontario locations, such as the University of Waterloo, have been offering to combine heroin with flu vaccines.

U.K.-Zimbabwe Tensions Build

Shortly after introducing travel restrictions on citizens of Zimbabwe coming to the United Kingdom, Zimbabwe returned the favour and restricted British tourists. The United Kingdom then demanded that Zimbabwe return all the toys it had borrowed over the years, to which Zimbabwe said, "Finders keepers, losers weepers," and hid behind the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Poppies Stolen

The investigation into who stole a box of poppies and money collected from a Beer Store in Toronto last week. Police are extremely suspicious of the guy whose garden only contains fake poppies.

Goalie Tests Positive for Cocaine

Mark Bosnich, goalkeeper for Chelsea's soccer team, tested positive for cocaine use earlier this week. When told he could face fines up to 50 000 pounds, he said, "Oh man, I might not be able to afford smack anymore." The team's manager was unfazed by the news, stating, "I guess this explains why he's started screaming and running away every time the ball is kicked at him."

Still no Martel Novels

Yann Martel's second novel, Life of Pi, which own the Man Booker Prize for fiction earlier this year is still incredibly difficult to find in bookstores. The reason: Jealous mathNEWS SquizMaster, π, is hoarding all the copies for himself.

Will Turkey Join EU?

It's been reported that former French president Valery Giscard d'Estaing has recommended against Turkey joining the European Union. Future former American president George W. Bush has agreed with d'Estaing, saying "I understand they don't even speak European in Turkey."

Veterans Banned from Home Depot

It's been reported that veterans have been asked not to sell poppies at one Home Depot location. Poppies are available from the check-out aisles, but the presense of veterans was considered aggressive recruiting both for wearing poppies and for veterans.

Canada says China Apologizes for Spying

Last week, newspapers reported that the Canadian government stated China had apologized for sending secret agents to Canada. The Canadian government then went on to say that China was also sorry for calling Canada a "dumb-dumb head" at the playground, that the US was sorry for repopularizing pop music, and that Canada was sorry for Avril Lavigne.

Coffee is Good

A Dutch study revealed that drinking more than 7 cups of coffee a day can reduce the chance a person gets Type 2 diabetes by one half. This came as good news to truckers, whose high calorie diet put them at risk for Type 2 diabetes in the first place. This also means computer science students everywhere now have a reason to drink more, not less.

Turkey Meat

Vegan musician Moby recently called for Americans to call the Butterball hotline and tell the company that there is no good way to kill turkeys. He was recording a telephone message for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals when he made the statement.

Upon hearing of the above news, the National Flatbread League, America's leading-promoter of pita, made a statement concerning Moby's remarks. It claimed that the extreme measures used by some members of PETA to make their point is over-the-line and gave the word "PE-ta" a bad name. The NFL has filed a suit to force PETA to change its name.

However, it was revealed that the National Flatbread League is involved in a naming controversy of its own. It is fighting the National Football League for the used of the abbreviation NFL.