Some may blame the recent closing of the soft pretzel bakery on finances, or failure to compete effectively with its rival, Campus Pizza. But these are not the real reasons. In fact, the beloved store was forced to close due to repeated midnight raids th by what can only be described as some sort of ninja squirrels. The furry rodents seemed to be seeking revenge against UW students running low on meal plan dollars by declaring war on the entire food service industry in the area. [You mean it wasn't because they had thumbtacks taped to their feet and were forced to live in LASER jets? (see Issue 2 — 'A Day In The Office') — KreasEd]It was mere bad luck (and random acts of cruelty on the part of the customers) that made the squirrels single out the bakery, when students agree that they SHOULD have taken out one of the on-campus cafeterias, and left the greasy plaza stores intact.
The bakery's passing will be mourned by hungry students everywhere this week, many of whom will ironically turn to the squirrel population to satisfy their various snack-cravings, thus perpetuating the cycle and preparing us for more ninja-violence in the weeks to come.