Aliens Destroy Pretzels

In what's being called the "Laser Blast Heard Around the World," the lovable, huggable Soft Pretzel Bakery was vapourized by enraged aliens from the planet RoldGoldia.

Radio waves sent from Earth radio station CKMS (which held a discussion group on the merits of soft pretzels) reached the planet three centuries ago via a space-time fold. The people (if they can be called that) of RoldGoldia are all 20 centimetres tall and pretzular in shape, held together by a 2-cm thick exoskeleton. The concept of Earthlings devouring what were obviously described as their gooey insides made the RoldGoldians feel insulted and hungry (their favourite food is the gooey insides of human-shaped fish).

The RoldGoldians set to work creating a space shuttle that would carry a crew of five pretzlors and a massive laser beam to Earth. The shuttle was launched 183 years ago and travelled the 18.3 light years to Earth at about 3 x 10⁷ m/s. It's crew in cryo-freeze, not unlike Khan Singh and the other passengers on the Botany Bay which launched from Earth six years ago.

They arrived two weeks ago and destroyed the Soft Pretzel Bakery. The crew, however, was captured. Drenched in their own sweat (which only made them saltier), they were devoured by irate students, looking for revenge against the pretzlors who destroyed their pretzels.

Naomi Silver