The Truth and Nothing But

Waterloo on the Move

UW President David Johnston has acted to squash rumours the University could be on the move to Seattle, as part of software giant Microsoft's latest attempt to turn it into a programmer farm. As reported exclusively in The Truth last week, UW was expected to be the first case of expedited transport via FTP, in a motion which would see the entire campus converted to electrical signals and shipped off to the United States.

As part of the Microsoft offer, every member on the UW board of directors was to receive an island in the Pacific, and, in particular, President David Johnston is said to have secured an amazing clause making him exempt from "that annoying paper-clip thing every time I open frickin' MS Office".

Speaking to the cashier in the Math C&D however, Mr. Johnston made it clear that Waterloo was going nowhere. "We are in the business of providing our customers with a user-friendly and innovative learning experience," he said. "There is nothing that would cause us to upstage a community-based University with a profit-making scheme as blatant as that."

Quarterback Wants His Money Back

Waterloo Warriors QB Billy Boggleston has shocked the Athletics commission by demanding that he be reimbursed the full $5678 he paid for football insurance. Boggleston, or "B² " as he is known to the Warrior faithful, is apparently bemused at how fullback Tony Smith got a full refund, whereas he has only received 25% of his fee, despite the fact neither player made any claims this season. Speaking exclusively to The Truth, BB steamed "Show me the money!" Then he let out a big roar and left.

The Commission has countered, meanwhile, by issuing a statement explaining their side of the story. The Truth found the following paragraph of great revelation: "Although we respect the wishes of Mr. Boggleston, we feel that we should not be held responsible for a clerical error made by the player. Clearly, in his insurance application he wrote 'quarter back' in the required refund field, and therefore we cannot refund him more than 25% of his fee."

In a related story, Warrior head coach Jim Stamp issued a press release outlining his controversial benching of the highly rated QB. He said, "Although unfortunate, the case of Billy brings to mind why I refused to use him this season. Since he had clearly written 'full back' in the position field on his insurance form, I was reluctant to use him, as at 6 foot 3 and 195 lbs, I felt his physique was better suited to that of a quarterback. It is with sorrow and disappointment that I realise today I should have gone with my instincts and thrown the boy in anyway. Oh well, maybe he'll get a few minutes next year."

The Truth thinks B² better be in top form when filling out his form next season.

Time for a Change

Waterloo city council is set to vote on an astonishing new bill which, if approved, would see The University of Waterloo moving ahead one full time-zone. This would be rather appropriate because, to tell the truth, UW is well ahead of the times compared to Wilfrid Laurier, U of T, or even Ottawa for that matter. The Truth has learned from sources deep inside the confines of City Hall that the bill is likely to be passed due to the religious beliefs of certain councillors. Apparently, unnamed members are living in fear that the world is about to end any minute now, and should UW move an hour ahead, "that minute would destroy [UW] before it's time for the rest of the city to die".

StuFoTiChiWa, or (Students For Time Change in Waterloo as they are commonly known to those who can be bothered to type the whole damn thing) appear unfazed by this theory, and are instead looking forward to moving up. "We're excited for 2 main reasons," said Brenda Brendason, head of the group. "For one thing it would require us to change every single clock at the University, digital or otherwise, and this would provide UW with enough computer science co-op jobs to meet the double-cohort. In addition to this, being ahead in time won't merely be a figurative statement anymore. The people who've come to associate us as a step ahead will be proven right, and our competition will be forced to eat humble pie, giving us a unique sense of superiority. Being in the same time zone, we will also be able to improve our links with Brazil."

Until this happens, at least you can count on The Truth to keep you a step ahead.