I MacK @ UW

How To Pad Your Resume

We've all heard how the economy is slowly recovering and it'll be a while before co-op jobs pick up again. So it looks as though Mathies will have to wait for a while before they get that dream job with some company that expects no actual output right? Wrong! A few of those cushy jobs still exist, but they are going to our best and brightest. Given that you, the reader, are probably not the smartest and most ambitious person in Math, you need help, so let's pad your resume to make you look like a better potential employee.

• Instead of saying you were in 'quality assurance', say you were a software demon exorcist. "By the power of Unix Source, I command the bugs in this software, OUT!"
• List SL from CS241 as one of the programming languages you are competent in.
• Claim you worked for CSIS on your last co-op term, but there is no record of it due to national security issues.
• Give all of your marks on your transcript in base 9.
• Take random letters, throw them together in a acronym and put them on your resume. If the interviewer challenges your knowledge of the database language RJW, counter with 'You DON'T know about it?'
• Attach a $20 bill to your resume as a 'Service Fee'.
• Find out how many words a minute you type, then double it and put it on your resume; it's not like they're going to bring a typewriter to the interview anyway.
• Include a photo of a supermodel with your head superimposed on it in your package, claim you were a model in your past work term.
• If there was a term where you could not get a job, claim that you were trying your hand at the field of superhero crime fighting.

Ian W. MacKinnon