mathNEWS Issue 93.5: Friday, November 14, 2003

The Ancient History of the Dodo

Archaeologists today were shocked to discover that the Dodo, an animal believed to have gone extinct many years ago, may not have gone extinct after all. Recent artifacts uncovered in Mauritius hint that this flightless bird may in fact have taken flight — to the stars.

A tour of the archaeology institute of Mauritius starts off as being incredibly boring. Some bones here, a beak there, a fossilized feather up that thing. All that boring stuff your teacher made you go see on a museum trip in third grade. But then, you walk into the room with the newly-discovered relics, and your jaw hits the floor. Lying on tables beside Dodo-shaped atmosphere suits are small solar fliers, plasmatic fuel cells, and stones etched with advanced stellar calculus. Other items on other tables are so advanced that the world's top scientists have yet to uncover their secrets.

The prevaling theory was that the Dodo was a flightless bird that lived on Mauritius, and that explorations in the renaissance drove the peaceful Dodo to extinction. The multiphasic rifles and chronomirror armor seem to suggest another theory: that the Dodo are members of an elite galactic peacekeeping force sent to protect mankind from the aliens that would threaten its destruction. As to why they left so suddenly, scientists speculate that the Dodo were loathe to protect mankind after meeting them for the first time and discovering that they were, in fact, really big assholes.

Since the discovery, SETI researchers have redoubled their efforts, hoping that broadcasting Dodosonic signatures will help elect a response from the Dodo. So far, no response has been received. However, crop circles that feature humans in stupid poses have been discovered in increasing numbers.

Clearly, what is needed is to convince the Dodo to return to Earth and teach us everything they know in order to protect us. That way, we can use their technology against them, conquer their species, and finish off the work our stupid renaissance explorers failed to complete when we told them to get rid of the Dodo once and for all.

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