International Espionage for Kids

Executive order creates some silly websites

Thanks to an executive order issued by U.S. President Clinton back in 1998, various agencies of the American government are now required to create webpages aimed at children. This becomes amusing when applied to agencies that don't have that much content that appeals to children. Realizing that in this case, reality is far funnier than anything I could possibly write on this subject, I now present you with a tour of the crème de la crème of the U.S. government's "for kids" websites.

Central Intelligence Agency for Kids
http://www.cia.gov/cia/ciakids/

First on our tour is the CIA's kids-oriented website. You can meet all eight members of their canine unit, and hear their inspirational stories, told from a first person perspective. "From childhood to adult, I have always been a big German Shepherd," writes Orry, a member of the CIA's canine unit. "I was very shy and ate a lot because I missed my parents and I had no friends. The other dogs made fun of me because I was so heavy." Overweight american preteens can take comfort in the notion that they may one day too become a member of the CIA's canine unit. The site also features a strong "say no to drugs" message, encouraging kids to take the "Junior Intelligence Officer Pledge Against Drugs," which is "a promise your life depends on keeping."

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms for Kids
http://www.atf.gov/kids/index.html

"'Potato guns' or 'spud guns' generally consist of sections of PVC plastic tubing and fittings and are designed to launch a muzzle-loaded potato (or other similar-size projectile) using hair spray or other aerosol vapor as a propellant. The propellant is ignited by means of a barbecue grill igniter or other similar ignition system." The ATF kids' site's description of how to build a potato gun is followed by a description of exactly which sections of the United States Code regulate the use of potato guns, along with a mention of the fact that if the potato gun is used for purely recreational purposes, then from a legal standpoint, it's not considered to be a weapon. Like the CIA site, this one also features "Truman," a member of the ATF's canine force. (The FBI has a similar emphasis on its canines — I guess doggies are the only things that law enforcement agencies can think of that appeal to children.) By the way, say no to drugs.

Food and Drug Administration for Kids
http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/kids/default.html

Thanks to the wonders of image maps, kids can help Mac and Molly inspect a warehouse! Click on the rats to earn ten points and learn that disease-laden vermin are a bad thing to have near food. Clicking on a link labeled "All About Animals," I hoped to be introduced to Bess, the lipstick-testing kitty. Unfortunately, my hopes were not to be realized, as the link took my to a page on how to care for pets. Say yes to drugs, but only if they stand up to rigourous, double-blind clinical testing.

Centers for Disease Control for Kids
http://www.cdc.gov/global/kids.htm

Want to trade your E. coli 0157:H7 for my Cryptosporidiosis? The CDC features infectious disease trading cards that you can download and print. All kids' favourites are there: Anthrax, Hepatitis B, Hantavirus, Recreational Water Illness — even Avian Flu! Be sure to grab Ebola's rookie card; this up-and-coming star is sure to increase in value!

Eigenvector