Bush Declares War On Mad Cow Disease

I ate beef today

This past New Year's Day, U.S. President George W. Bush said his government will take all necessary measures to halt the spread of mad cow disease. "I ate beef today, and will continue to eat beef until mad cow disease is stopped," said Bush.

War expert Dr. Falfurrias speculates that Bush will withdraw troops from Iraq (now that Saddam has been captured) and send them into cattle fields with orders to annihilate any cattle that are too sick or lame to walk. In order to assure the public and U.S. trading partners about the safety of U.S. cattle, Bush vowed that air strikes and submarine raids would only be used if the disease refused to surrender its weapons of mass destruction.

(After this declaration, cattle stocks and futures on the Mercantile Exchange fell dramatically, then Japan, South Korea, and Mexico, the biggest buyers of U.S. beef, banned imports.)

Krease