In a groundbreaking announcement from cancer researchers, a new paper has been published that summarizes a decade of research. At the confrence, head researchers summarized the paper in just a few words: "We have found that everything, yes, EVERYTHING, causes cancer. Fortunately, however, everything also CURES cancer."
The research comes from studying popular trends in cancer scapegoating: eggs cause cancer, orange juice prevents/cures cancer, so the two statements were condensed into, "Food causes and cures cancer." Similarily, everyone that has ever had cancer has been breathing air, but everyone that has ever NOT developed cancer has ALSO been breathing air, so, "Air causes and cures cancer."
The paper, a hefty 1376-page notebook, cites some 346,000 such postulates, along with simple, one-line proofs for them. Some of the more interesting ones are, "Apple trees cause and cure cancer," and "Christmas lights cause and cure cancer."
"This is a fantastic acheivement for cancer research," said one of the senior researchers on the project. "It means we no longer have to search for a cure for cancer, since EVERYTHING is a cure for cancer! Sadly, we can't get them past Health Canada, since they all also cause cancer." Talks with Health Canada are currently in the works to get some things, like chicken and doors, cleared for human use.
"Scientists have searched for years for unified theories, like the Unified Theory of Physics. What we have here is the Unified Theory of Cancer. The only thing I'm sad about is that we don't have any more work to do."
The theory beats out previous theories such as, "Nothing causes cancer, stop being a baby," and "There's a magical fountain of cancer located somwehere in Florida," both of which were criticized for not fitting available data. The everything theory has only one known flaw that scientists were unable to account for: all tests have revealed that monkeys are only causes of cancers, not cures. This is, however, further evidence for the "Monkeys suck, let's kill them all because..." theory.