Pimp My Ride

The World of Warcraft Edition

One day, I happened to be flipping through channels and came upon the show "Pimp my Ride" on MTV. It was a fairly entertaining show, where they took a really crappy car and turned it into a different crappy car with lots of suede and pink and chrome and crap. Later, in a fit of what can only be called insanity, I somehow superimposed the memory of that show with the memory of a recent play session of World of Warcraft. I thought to myself, "Self, what would I do to pimp out a kodo?" The results were scary.

So, take your standard issue kodo. Brown, twelve feet long and eight feet high, dopey-looking and cow-like. It's really a lot more fat than phat. But like the magical mechanic-rappers on Pimp my Ride, we can rebuild it. We have the technology.

First off, we have the bare necessities of pimped out rides: rear spoiler, chrome rims, cathode tubes, low-clearance tires, and front spoiler. Any car that doesn't have these parts isn't fit to have a drag race with greasy, 85-pound nerds riding their tricycles. And if a kodo is of lower calibre than a nerd, we've done something horribly wrong to it.

Next, we need to add a few special touches that'll make it really shine when it's parked next to another kodo. These include flame decals, racing stripes, naked women silhouettes, more chrome rims, and one of those double mufflers that make lots of noise. With these modifications, all the hot chicks will be checking it out, and looking to break off a piece. Aww yeah.

The sound system deserves special attention. Most sound systems are judged based on their ability to make the ground shake, but kodos can do that just by walking. Clearly, then, we need to up the stakes, and equip our kodo with a sound system that can cause localized earthquakes. People standing within ten feet of this system should go deaf, and be knocked back by the concussion wave. It wouldn't matter, then, if you're blasting Celine Dion from the system, since no one will be able to actually hear it. Paradoxic.

Now we have a flashy kodo, but, its bark isn't nearly as big as its bite. So, we need to add a nitrous system and ram scoop to feed a military-grade jet engine strapped to the back. Watching two tons of phat ride blast by at some mach greater than three will be sure to get the homies' attention. While we're on the topic of movement systems, we'd better put hydraulics in there to, so that we can move the beast up and down in time with our block-rocking beats.

Finally, there's the finishing touches - suede... interior..., big drink holder, and a huge, flashy horn ornament and shades for the kodo, so it can look good at the same time it's being cool. Also, you gotta load up your kodo with about a year's salary worth of gold chains. Make Mr. T jealous and you can make him your fool. Blinging.

At this point, we have a totally pimped-out kodo, the kind that would be driven around and stolen on Gone in 60 Seconds. However, one thing I noticed from watching the MTV "Pimp my Ride" show was that they're not done pimpin' until the vehicle has some completely useless contrivance. In the spirit of our kodo's origins as a mount from a MMORPG, we'll add in features that every hardcore gamer would need - a coffee maker, and a catheter. That way, you could ride the kodo for DAYS and not need to get off.

And that's that. If you've got an income approaching the GNP of a third-world country, you can make it happen (this includes, among parts and labour, the genetic engineering of a real life kodo). For University students, however, the best we can hope for is that Blizzard implements "Pimped-out kodo" as a new elite epic mount.

SheepNine
Krusk on Elune